01/06/11: My Mind Is Blank

Yesterday's (and the day before's) food:

01/05/11: Bed at 10:30 pm/up at 9:00 am

Banana

Tea w/ creamer (x 2)

Apple

Egg white

Kashi w/ skin milk

Brown rice

Corn & veggie mix

Chicken w/ veggies

Broccoli

*Gumballs (x 17)

Nightfood bar (x 3)

Skim milk (1/2 c)

Water (5 c)

01/04/11: Bed at 5:30 am/up at 12:00 pm

Walnuts and dried cherries (early am)

Diet ginger ale (early am)

Fruit cocktail w/ natural juice (early am)

Banana

Brown rice

Corn & veggie mix

Walnuts & dried cherries

Kashi w/ skim milk

Stuffed cabbage

Water (2 c)

I apologize for not writing yesterday. I was hoping for a "perfect" run with daily blogging, but I should know better by now, LOL. The only thing I can be is perfectly imperfect. Only God is perfect. Just so you know, I was taking care of myself by not writing.

I was telling someone today that my mind has been unusually blank when it comes time to write a blog post. She said, "Well, why not write about that?" It reminds me of when I was early in my therapy career. My therapist at hat time was Tom Sexton (ironically, I ended up working with him later on when I was a drug and alcohol counselor at Mirmont Rehab), and he taught me the Great Fake-Out (my name for it, not his). He had asked me something important about my inner thoughts, to which I replied, "I don't know." Then 

He asked me really fast, "What would you say if you did know?" And out it popped, an answer that was crucial to my process at the time. I still use that on myself when I feel stuck about something going on internally. It doesn't always work, but it often does :-)

So, I have been blanking out when it comes time to write here. Now my mind is usually never blank. I'm a pretty deep thinker and like synthesizing and filtering down ideas, respectively, to either create new ones or to get down to the heart of a particular one. But it seems like cutting out the white sugar and flour may be changing that in preparation for me to have a new way of thinking. I like my mind as it is now, but I'm willing to be changed by God. And that's what this whole shebang is about after all!

On another note, I tried a gluten-free cookie today that was sweetened with molasses. I did have some hesitation in thinking that it might lead me to crave, but it didn't (at least not today). Tomorrow is food-shopping day, so I'll be faced with lots of temptation. Wish me luck, will you?

01/04/2011: Act, Don't React

Yesterday's food:

01/03/11: Bed at 2:00 am/up at 12: 00 pm

*Ice cream (2 T) (early am)

*Lorna Doon cookies (x 2 snack bags; early am) and skim milk (early am)

Kashi cereal w/ skim milk (early am)

Yogurt w/ Polaner All Fruit (early am)

Coffee w/ creamer

Egg white

Brown rice

Corn & veggie mix

Apple

Swiss steak

Broccoli salad

Water (2 c)

Here's what I was talking about in yesterday's post. I didn't eat a lot of sugar yesterday, but nevertheless it breached the commitment I made to myself to abstain from white sugar and white flour. I was really disappointed in my choice to give in to cravings, but I did forgive myself and climb back on the wagon.

I'm actually quite proud of myself (and grateful for God's help) that although I was up all night again last night, I didn't eat a speck of white sugar (didn't even crave it), which shows you the cunning nature of sugar (or any) addiction. A year or two ago, it could have fooled me into thinking, "Oh, I don't really have a problem. I have this under control."

But sugar addiction is a liar and a trickster, and I am starting to recognize that and respond accordingly. For me, it's about acting, not reacting. I've used sugar for such a long time to quiet anger, anxiety, and fear and to celebrate happiness. But now I need to break that hand-to-mouth action and start making different choices to deal with my feelings (and I have quite a few in my arsenal; it just seems easier to eat the sugar). Sugar is a close companion of mine, but it's not a good friend at all. I need to fire it.

See you tomorrow, I hope.

01/03/11: Progress, Not Perfection

Yesterday's food:

01/02/11: Bed at 2:00 am/up at 12:00 pm

Apple

Egg white (x 2)

Kashi cereal w/ skim milk

Nightfood bar

Tea w/creamer

Brown rice

Corn & veggie mix

Fresh pineapple

Riceworks chips

Banana

Salad w/ *dressing

Ham

Pop Secret popcorn (x 1 snack bag)

Kashi cereal (x 2 bowls)

Water 4 c (including tea)

PT exercise? No

Hello, all (or maybe that should be "anyone," LOL). I must confess: I went off my abstinence plan (you'll see the food list tomorrow). It was a direct consequence of not going to bed on schedule and instead seducing myself into cruising the Internet (Facebook et al.) and eating. Plus the chewing/sugar cravings were really kicking in, and I gave in (more about this process later).

Usually, when I go on a "diet" and fall off, I say "screw it" (literally) and stuff myself silly. Typical addict black-and-white thinking: "If I can't do it perfectly the first time and forever after, then I might as well not do it at all." Global, all-or-nothing thinking. One of my many shortcomings. 

But, as I promised, I got right back on it today, even though it ended up being an awkward eating day. 

Recently I read The Taming of the Chew: A Holistic Guide to Stopping Overeating by Denise Lamothe. She explains that beating yourself up about overeating only perpetuates the problem and that the first step in stopping overeating is to forgive yourself right away and start over, an idea that resonated deeply with me. It's about progress, not perfection.

She also encourages a healthy relationship with your body (i.e., listening to it, attending to it, etc.), which sounds pretty corny as I write it, but if you're ready to hear that message, it's quite effective. Plus it has more spiritual implications if you think of your body as being God's temple, which I am beginning to do. It's finally hit me, right in my gut (no pun intended) that I'm a really sucky temple keeper! And that's where I have to start, with the truth. In the spirit of the Chew, I hereby forgive myself and am getting back on the abstinence wagon :-). 

Come and keep me company, will you? Please leave a comment or question so I know you're still here!