August 30, 2011: Talking Addict to Addict

Yesterday's food:

God time? Yes

Exercise? Yes

Points: 37/38 (2 extra base points earned from exercise)

[P]  Chicken sausage

[P] Pork

[V] Carrots

[V] Carrots

[V or F]  Brussels sprouts

[F] Apple

[F] X

[St] Kashi

[St] Noodles (in homemade pork lo mein)
[St] Peas and water chestnuts (in homemade pork lo mein)

[D] Skim milk

[D] Yogurt

[Sn] Fiber One brownie

[Sn] Fiber One brownie
[Sn] SF Klondike ice cream sandwich
[Sn] WhoNu? cookies (x 9!)

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] Four cups

Whew; I'm exhausted. I've been dealing with a lot of dental pain/dental appointments over the past 10 days and trying to keep up with my work, so that's why P haven't been blogging. On a happier note. I've been doing really well with my Weight Watchers program and feel confident that I lost some weight last week even though I didn't go to my Saturday meeting because of tooth pain. I feel like I'm back on track now, and it's mainly due to a conversation I had last week with someone close to me who is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict.

I shared with him how I had plateaued on Weight Watchers and how I was counting (and rationalizing) my points and possibly overcounting my activity points. He said to me, "You're talking just like an addict." That comment caught me up short because although I know his story, and I've mentioned mine, he's never been that blunt and to-the-point with me before. He shared some of the ways he used to try to control his drinking and how they had failed, and then he made some suggestions.

In addition, although I had missed the Weight Watchers meeting, my roommate had brought back the weekly leaflet, the topic of which was plateauing. It had a quiz to determine how I might be sabotaging my program, and I answered "yes" to at least three or four of them. Then it had suggestions on how to get back on plan for each point where I was failing. Between the talk and the leaflet, I feel like I've found some of the patterns, most of them based in laziness and "familiarity," where I'm not working the program to my utmost. I'm also now using a spiral-bound tracker that I bought at my last meeting. It has more room to write in and track various elements, and I'm tracking more conscientiously and fastidiously now and without resentment or boredom! Tomorrow or later this week I'll get back to swimming, too.

So, what conversation or printed material has helped you this week? Please comment and let me know -:-)

August 20, 2011: Grief and Trash Talk

Yesterday's food:

God time? Yes
Meditation? Yes (x 2)

Exercise? No (weekend)

Points: 35 of 36

[P]  Chicken breast, grilled

[P] Beans (in rice and beans)

[V] Salad bar (in corn tortilla)

[V] Salad bar (in corn tortilla)

[V or F] Tomatoes

[F] Apple

[F] Banana

[St] Corn tortilla

[St] Corn tortilla
[St] Kashi

[D] Skim milk (1/2 c)

[D] Skim milk (1/2 c)
[D] Light mayo (1 T)
[D] Light mayo (1 T)

[Sn] Mini pretzels (1 bag)

[Sn] SF Klondike ice cream sandwich

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] Two cups

I'm struggling with my weight loss. Not so much with my food though. I've been on plan since my last (wee) gain of 1.2 pounds, which happened during a bout of insomnia a couple of weeks ago, along with subsequent eating and Internet shopping, and I've been at +/1 zero pounds for 2 weeks now. I'm quite discouraged, but I'm not going to give up because Weight Watchers is really helping me with my compulsive eating, and I don't want to go back there even if I don't lose any more weight than the 6 or so pounds I've lost in the past 3 months.

Most things usually come easily to me; I'm a quick learn. So when faced with struggle, I almost always start talking trash to myself, like "I might as well give up" and "I'm never going to lose this weight" or "I might as well just eat myself to death." Problem is, I quite like this program of eating :-) It's slowly seeping into my sense of "normal," but I don't understand why I'm not seeing weight loss when I think I'm doing everything right. One of the secretaries at my last meeting told me to keep a precise record of what I eat during the week (which I do anyway) and show it to my teacher at the next meeting. Maybe he can pinpoint where I'm getting off track.

One of the legacies of being an adult child of an alcoholic is that I tend to have global, all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking, especially when I'm stressed. I've been waking up feeling out of sorts for a few days now, which is not like me, but it's taken me a day or so to figure it out. That old "stinking thinking" took it's toll on me in how I self-talked after the Weight Watcher weigh-in on Saturday. Later that day, I vented to a good friend about some of what's been going on in my life. Then it dawned on me: I'm grieving the loss of therapy, and my therapist, from my life.  Therapeutic contact has been the single longest relationship in my life.

It seems silly to be grieving something I chose to leave, but here I am, in grief. Hence the feeling out of sorts. Now that I don't have therapy to fall back on, I'm going to have to reach out and share my process with friends more often and work harder to keep my feet on the ground and my head where my feet are. That means saying "no" to the temptation to isolate and making sure I support myself by getting to church, getting back to my to Al-Anon meeting (i.e., my current home group), getting back to consistent God time, and getting back to meditating twice a day.

Although my grief this time around is taking a different form than it usually does, as in feeling crabby, "reactional," and ungrounded rather than just crying a lot, I still have to treat myself "as if" with gentleness, concern, protection, and compassion rather than unawareness and judgment. Looks like all that therapeutic work I did sank in pretty well :-)

August 14, 2011: A Mixed Bag

Yesterday's food: Actually, it's Friday's food, the day I did an experiment within this larger experiment :-)

God time? No

Exercise? No

Points:40/36

[P] X

[P] X

[V] Polaner All-Fruit jam

[V] Apple

[V or F] Veggies on LC pizza

[F] Brussels sprouts

[F] V-8 juice

[St] Ezekiel English muffin (whole)

[St] Brown rice
[St] Lean Cuisine pizza

[D] Skim milk

[D] Skim milk
[D] Creamer
[D] WW mozzarella stick
[D] WW Mozzarella stick

[Sn] Newton Fruit Thin

[Sn] Newton Fruit Thin

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] Four cups

I decided spontaneously to test how well I could adhere to my Weight Watchers eating plan without tracking my points during the course of Friday.  I managed to do somewhat well, i.e., I only went 4 points over my 36-points-per-day allotment, but the categories were way off: I ate way too many dairy servings; I had one extra starch serving; and I had absolutely no protein at all during the day save for the protein in the Kashi and the mozzarella sticks! Kind of a mixed bag, like this post is going to be. So, it was an interesting experiment, but I'm far from flying solo, like my friend Zoe in England, who still manages to keep a trim figure long after she reached goal weight in Weight Watchers. She's my inspiration :-)

So, to mix up the bag, I don't think I ever told you all that I formally ended my therapy career earlier this month. Now mind you, I've been in therapy since my late teens, and I turned 50 last December. Yes, I really was that messed up. And to mess things up even more, I've acted out some old behavior (i.e., character defect) that hasn't reared up in quite a while. I won't go into the dreary details, but it's something I feel uncomfortable about, and I'm going to have to look at it carefully to discern what it's trying to tell me. I have a long history of sabotaging myself, especially when my life gets good: It's kind of like giving myself a speed bump to slow myself down from veering off into cocky-happiness-without-God. I wondered today if my therapy-leaving process was too fast. Not that it wasn't the right time to do it, but maybe I didn't take my time in doing it, if that makes sense. I'm not feeling desperate to go back, like I have in the past when I've thought about ending. I'll pray on it for a while and just wait for the Lord to direct me.

Until then, sleep well and have a good day tomorrow :-) Don't forget about the contest at my other blog: Fleurs-de-Lisa. I don't know how many crossover God/cosmetic fans I'll get here, but you never know, do ya? I've also posted all four of my guest reviews, so go check it out and enter!