September 15, 2011: Feeling Sheepish and Guilty

God time? Yes

Exercise? Yes (PT)

Points: 32/36

[P] Chicken sausage

[P] Hamburger (plain, no bun)

[V] Carrots

[V] Carrots
[V] V-8 juice
[V] Green olives

[V or F] Broccoli

[F] Apple

[F] Pineapple

[St] Kashi

[St] Pretzels

[D] Skim milk

[D] X

*+[Sn] Fiber One brownie

*+[Sn] Fiber One brownie
+[Sn] Half Klondike bar and 1/w *+Fiber One brownie

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] Five cups (!)

Dang, I haven't blogged here in such a long time! I feel sheepish (b-a-a-a-a) and guilty. I am so weary of keeping this blog, and I've been dragging my feet to write posts.  I am very much looking forward to the end of this year when I can quit this. I need to think on what I want to do with my writing when it's all done. I hate to leave up an untended blog, so I'll probably print off the posts for my records (I keep everything I've ever written, LOL) and then delete the whole thing. I may leave it up for a while, though, just to have a feeling of personal accomplishment. It's very clear that no one is actually reading this :-)

On the whole, despite feeling guilty about not keeping my commitment to write every day, I'm doing very well. I finally broke through a 4-week plateau on Weight Watchers (just a half pound, but hey) only to plateau again last week. However, I think I've lost weight this week. I've finally been back to the pool, and it felt so good. I like exercising regularly now.

I feel like it time to do a quarterly "inventory" of my progress with this experiment, but I'll save that for another day. I'm beat from work, but I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically feeling much better than I was in my "stabby" post from last week. I think all I'll say inventory-wise right now is that since the beginning of the year, I've written 96 days out of a possible 258, yielding a post rate of 37% Pretty slovenly, but there's been a lot of growth going on behind the scenes as a result of doing this experiment, and I'll see if I can get that post rate up to or over 50% by the end of the year!

September 2, 2011: Feeling Stabby

Yesterday's food:

God time? No

Exercise? No

Points: 36/36

[P] Chicken sausage

[P] Tuna

[V] Brussels sprouts

[V] Celery

[V or F] X

[F] Apple

[F] X

[St] Kashi

[St] X

[D] Skim milk

[D] Skim milk

[Sn] Fiber One bar

[Sn] Nightfood bar
[Sn] Jelly Belly jellybeans

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] Four cups

Aaaaaaaaaaaargh! Blaaaaaaargh! It has been one of those days. I am so freaking sick and tired of being handicapped and am so angry at God for letting this happen to me. I haven't had any work come in for two days, and it sucks to start the month with a page-quota deficit. And I haven't been swimming due to the pain I've been in since I underwent a total of 5 or 6 root canals this past week. I've just had it up to here! Will fall never come, dagnabbit? The heat in these parts is making me lose my mind on top of everything else. Grrrrrrrr <shakes it all off like a dog shaking off water>. Snork, slork, snurp, brrrrt.

OK, thanks for letting me get that out of my system. I'm so glad that I can have an honest relationship with my Higher Power and don't feel like I have to stuff my emotions about our relationship. I cursed Him up and down today because that's how I get sometimes. I get so bleeping sick of being handicapped, and sometimes I wonder why I'm being "punished" like this. Then I remember that it's all part of His (seemingly f^#@ed-up) plan for me, and it's my job to pray to know His will for me, and the power to carry it out, so I can make something good and worthwhile come out of my suffering and difficulty and struggles. I just hope that when I'm on my deathbed, I can look back and truly say that I have had a good life and not be bitter and resentful. That would be the worst thing of all.

Because of the pain I've been having and the subsequent pain medication (Percoset), my sleeping pattern have gotten really"off," and I haven't been swimming because my sleeping has been out of whack. I think the lack of exercise getting to me: I have come to rely on it to move my chi and help me keep up with my life and live it actively. Instead, I've fallen back into my usual passivity, which feels odd to me now. I feel "stuck" on getting done some the things I need to do, which would be easy now since I don't have any work. Blech.

So, what can I leave you with so that reading this blog post isn't a complete waste of your time? The best thing I could come up with this afternoon, after I cooled off, was H. A. L. T. When I'm feeling like I want to jump out of my skin or like someone set off a strobe light in my brain, I have to ask myself: Am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? If I am one or more of those things, I have to eat something nourishing, get my anger out in a healthy way (like I did with God earlier), call a friend, and/or lie down/nap/sleep. Then, after I've taken care of my basic human needs, I can start my day over again. So, I took a shower, ate dinner, watched an adorable episode of Millionaire Matchmaker (my newest guilty pleasure), and now I'm finishing this post. Things seem back in perspective now. Thanks for listening and reading :-)