Tuesday, May 31, 2011

May 31, 2011: Now Posting My Food the WW Way!

Yesterday's food:

God time? Yup
Exercise?Yes
Points: 30.5/31

[P] Egg white
[P] Chicken
[P] Eggs (in frittata)
[P] Bacon (1/2 strip)
[V] Large salad
[V] Large salad
[V or F] Large salad
[V] Mixed veggies (in frittata)
[F] Apple
[F] Banana
[F] Pineapple
[St] Kashi
[St] X
[D] Skim milk
[D] Blue cheese (tiny blob)
[D] Skim milk
*[D] Ranch salad dressing
+[Sn] SF Klondike ice cream sandwich 
+[Sn] SF Klondike ice cream sandwich
[W] Two cups

Howdy! Today's weird word of the day is "dagnabbit." Try to use it once in a sentence tomorrow, OK? It will make people scratch their heads and wonder what you're up  to, LOL :-)

I'm doing quite well on the Weight Watchers Points Plus plan, but the real measure will be the results of my weigh-in later this week. I think it may take a couple of weeks for it to kick in, but I don't doubt the strength of this program. 

However, some of the food-tracking "indicators" I've been using up until now, i.e., bolded text, will be changing. I had been following the recommended number macronutrient categories (protein, carbs, fruit, veggies, etc.) suggested by LA Weight Loss, but WW doesn't have as strict a set-up. As long as I'm within my points for the day and get 5 servings of fruit and veggies,  it's all good. I'm using my extra 49 weekly points a little bit each day so I can have a snack or two\, but I'll save them up for special occasions if need be.

That's about it for now. The heat and humidity here in my area has wiped me out, and I still have some stuff to do before I settle in for the night. I hope to get back to my regular blogging schedule soon. Look for the winner of my Nightfood contest tomorrow!

Monday, May 30, 2011

May 30, 2011: Just Checking In . . .

Again, no food, but it's all written down in my cute little Weight Watchers (WW) weekly tracker. I love stuff like that <is a dork>. I am already feeling much safer losing weight on my no-sugar, no-flour diet along with support from a group and weekly classes from a WW leader. I forgot how helpful it is to go to these meetings (I've used WW in the past with good results but never went back for the maintenance part of the plan).

Since it's already close to the time I wind down for the night, I'm not going to write much. I just wanted to check in and say "Hi," and I hope you all had a nice Memorial Day today :-)

Saturday, May 28, 2011

May 28, 2011: Can They Coexist?

DON'T FORGET ABOUT MY NIGHTFOOD GIVEAWAY! ONLY TWO MORE DAYS LEFT TO ENTER!

Again, no food list. Today was my first day tracking my food the Weight Watcher's way and I must admit, it has gone pretty well. It's work to figure out the points for everything I eat, but since I eat a lot of the same foods most of the time, I should have mostly everything memorized soon. I cooked dinner tonight (ham and veggie frittata served with Brussels sprouts and cantaloupe) for my roommate and myself, and the whole plate came to just 4.5 points! I like that fruits and (nonstarchy) veggies are now free (i.e., 0 points)! I even added in my pre-bedtime snack, and I still have about 4 points left over. I'm divvying up my 49 extra weekly points between the 7 days of the week, unless I have something special to save them up for. And I'm not taking my exercise as extra points. I want to make sure I lose my extra poundage surely and steadily.

So, enough focus on that. You'll see my first day of Weight Watchers tracking tomorrow. Actually, tomorrow and next Sunday will be the wrap-up of my college survey Bible study course, which means we'll spend the 2 weeks covering Revelation. I was pretty scared to delve into that book of the Bible until one of the elders at church told me it was meant to be an encouragement and comfort to believers. Ironically, I think I like Revelation the best out of the books of the New Testament, probably because it's so visually stunning and stuffed of symbolism. I'm psyched to go to Bible study tomorrow and find out what it's all means (well, at least the first 11 chapters anyway).

As a relatively new believer who spent most of her life trying to wrap her logical mind around something completely illogical and fantastical as the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, I find that I'm now being tested by my waxing and waning acceptance of Revelation as future truth. When I chose to accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I knew there would still be some things that would be hard for my mind to swallow. It's come to the forefront because I have a colleague on Facebook who is a Darwinian through and through, and some of what she says and reposts piques my interest and/or makes sense to me.

It makes me think of when I was talking with Emily, a young girl in my life at the time (probably about 8 years old at the time), about how the human species came to be. We discussed the (8-year-old version) merits of each side, and she said, "Maybe God put the organisms on Earth and then evolution grew humans." As someone who loves to synthesize ideas, that was the second smartest thing I have ever heard from a young person!

I'd like to know what you think :-)

DON'T FORGET ABOUT MY NIGHTFOOD GIVEAWAY! ONLY TWO MORE DAYS LEFT TO ENTER!

Friday, May 27, 2011

May 27, 2011: Know When to Fold 'Em

DON'T FORGET ABOUT MY NIGHTFOOD GIVEAWAY! ONLY THREE MORE DAYS LEFT TO ENTER!

I didn't track yesterday, but I did join Weight Watchers this morning :-) Something had to give, so it had to be my approach to eating; the food's not going to change (thank you, Serenity Prayer). If I keep doing what I've always done, I'm gonna get what I've always got, right? It's just plain stupid not to ask for help. I'm at my whoppingest weight ever, 182.8 pounds, and I'm only 5'1". I've never been more than 170 pounds until now. I'm also borderline type II diabetic, hooked up by my primary doctor with diabetes classes and a blood sugar monitor as well as 500 g metformin daily.

I really thought cutting out sugar and flour would have the added benefit, in addition to bringing me closer to God, of lowering my poundage. But getting closer to God involves not just yapping at Him but also hearing him better when he reveals His will, and I've been getting "Weight Watchers" for a few weeks now. Since I've been having that thought consistently over time, and because I've been averse to Weight Watchers since they converted over to the Points Plan many years ago, I know that message was coming from God and not my own ego, LOL. EGO = Edging God Out, by the way :-) So, I just put one foot in front of the other and landed at a Weight Watchers meeting this morning.

So, I had a bit of a party in my mouth today because I'll start the plan tomorrow. Nothing like going out with a bang, huh? And I figure I can do the no-sugar/no-flour thing in the context of a structured eating plan. I still want my experiment to focus on my relationship with God and not on my weight, but I don't see anything wrong with making them equal in importance. Do you?

DON'T FORGET ABOUT MY NIGHTFOOD GIVEAWAY! ONLY THREE MORE DAYS LEFT TO ENTER!

Thursday, May 26, 2011

May 26, 2011: Methodically Debunking the Rapture

Yesterday's food:

God time? No
Exercise? Yes
Calories: +81 over goal!
[P] Egg white
[P] Chicken sausage
[P] Lamb patty
[V] Brussels sprouts
[V] Carrots
[V] X
[F] Apple
[F] Fruit cocktail
[F] X
[St] Kashi
[St] Brown rice
[St] Brown gravy
[D] Skim milk
[D] Skim milk
[Sn] SF/GF cookie
[Sn] Nightfood bar
[Sn] Ice cream
[W] Two glasses

DON'T FORGET ABOUT MY NIGHTFOOD GIVEAWAY!

I have said this before, but after last week's sermon on debunking Camping's prediction of the Rapture (the mention of which actually does not exist in the Bible), I'm going to say it again: I have the coolest pastor in the universe. He's very tall, very smart, very funny, very weird (and I mean that in the best sense of the world), and a great teacher.

Pastor Jeff systematically debunked, both Biblically and in historical context, step by step, Camping's prediction of the "Rapture." My mind was freaking like it was in a brain-candy store! I love, love, love words; they're my favorite tools. And when words and phrases, like "rather than tear down one craps game in an alleyway, I want to take down Vegas"(speaking of the debunking to come in the sermon), and "prepare your heads to explode," were used, I just wanted to fly out of my pew seat and run in circles, screaming happily, like a sugar addict face to face with the biggest pile of brightly colored, chewy candy she has ever seen, only better, because the sermon *did* make my head explode! I love elegant, funny, smart explanations of things I never knew about!

The sermon was way too intelligent, and too well organized, for me to attempt to capture it in a blog post, but you can listen to it here if you like: "May 22, 2011 - "Everything You Need To Know (and More!) about the End of the World, Part 1:  What Not to Believe, and Where We Find Our Hope" - Daniel 9:25-27 - Jeffrey E. Bryan.

Be sure to listen to the comments before the sermon and look at the slides, and let me know if your head explodes, too, LOL! 

DON'T FORGET ABOUT MY NIGHTFOOD GIVEAWAY!

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

May 25, 2011: Blargh!

No food, no bloggy-blog today. Blanca woke me at 5:30 am this morning (the toe thing again) and then I went swimming and later worked until just 5 minutes ago. I'm pooped, but I just wanted to say "Hi" and "ENTER MY NIGHTFOOD GIVEAWAY" (yes, I'm yelling at you; after all, come on; who doesn't love a good free snack? LOL.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

May 24, 2011: Blanca Update :-)

Yesterday' food:

God time? Yes
Exercise? Yes
Calories: +463 over goal
 [P] Egg white
[P] Chicken (Lean Cuisine)
[V] Large salad
[V] Large salad
[V] Large salad
[F] Apple
[F] Apples and cranberries (Lean Cuisine)
[F] X
[St] Kashi
+[St] Orzo (Lean Cuisine)
[St] Popcorn
[D] Skim milk
*[D] Ranch dressing
[D] Skim milk
[Sn] Nightfood bar
[Sn] SF/GF cookies
[W] Two cups (including tea w/ creamer)

DON'T FORGET ABOUT MY NIGHTFOOD GIVEAWAY!

Yep, I'm counting calories now with the Livestrong Daily Plate program. I thought that cutting out sugar and white flour would be enough to make me lose weight as well as get closer to God and decrease the pain level in my body, but I guess two out of three isn't bad, LOL. I'm still not going to focus much on weight loss here, but posting the particulars of my eating is a good way for me to record things. 

I thought I'd update you on how my rescue kitty, Blanca, is doing. "Well" would be the answer! She's socializing quite well, much to my surprise. I guess I was prepared for the worst. She now has a habit of peeking around the living room corner about 9:00 pm when I'm watching TV. I "kiss" her over to the kitty cup, which I've placed at my feet, and she plops and splays herself in it for a half-hour tickle.

Now, the last few days in the morning, she's been waking me up by playing with my toes. After that, she and Buster wrestle for a little while on my bed. So very sweet and cute. It's nice to see her wanting affectionate human touch and to watch her personality start to blossom. I know she really likes living here because she's never interested in going anywhere near an open door. I like that I've been able to be patient enough with her to let her decide how close she wants to be with me. Another fruit of the Spirit, huh? They're just blooming all over!

Have a great night! 

DON'T FORGET ABOUT MY NIGHTFOOD GIVEAWAY!

Monday, May 23, 2011

May 23, 2011: Introducing Gluten-Free Recipes

Yesterday's food:

God time? Yes 
Exercise? No 
[P] Filet mignon
[P] Chicken (in salad)
[P] Nuts
[V] Large salad
[V] Large salad
[V] Large salad
[F] Polaner grape jelly 
[F] X
[F] X 
[St] GF Ezekiel English muffin
[St] GF Ezekiel English muffin 
[St] Brown rice 
[D] Skim milk
[D] Skim milk 
+*[Sn] Dunkin' Donut donut
+*[Sn] Dunkin' Donut donut
*[Sn] Skinny Cow ice cream
*[Sn] Skinny Cow ice cream 
[Sn] SF Klondike bar 
[Nightfood bar] Yes 
[W] Two cups 

DON'T FORGET ABOUT MY NIGHTFOOD GIVEAWAY!

Dang, I really snacked a lot yesterday. Wish they had a version of Antabuse for sugar addiction and compulsive eating, LOL. I probably wouldn't be compliant with it though. I hate the fact that eating food -- or not eating it but wanting to eat it and knowing I shouldn't eat it -- has become such an issue for me. I remember when I was in my teens and early 20s and could eat anything, in any amount, and not gain weight. Now I've become so sensitive to the effect certain foods have on me that I can feel a sugar high and crash even as I consume something sugary. Potatoes and gluten and sugar, in decreasing order, all exacerbate the pain level in my body, and although my adherence to this experiment has only been about 50%, I can definitely feel a difference in improved pain level. Remember, I was experimenting (loosely) with elimination sugar and flour for a couple of years before I made this particular commitment, and although I wanted to feel a difference right away, it took some time of sticking with it more or less. Lord forbid I should really take care of myself and cut them out of my life like a surgeon cuts out cancer! But there was a time I couldn't even imagine life without sugar, so I'm going to give myself props for getting this far :-)

I need to boost myself a little, though, because the lack of response to my contest (come on; who doesn't want free stuff) has got me down a bit, so I'm going to create a new page to this blog that has gluten-free recipes on it. I haven't been baking lately, but the recipes I post here will be tried and true. I would welcome yours as well. fell free to email them to me at the link on the blog page. First up, muffins sweetened with fruit only.

Have a good night!

DON'T FORGET ABOUT MY NIGHTFOOD GIVEAWAY!

Saturday, May 21, 2011

May 21, 2011: Step One and Seeking Connections

Yesterday's food:

Friday, 05/20/11: Bed at 1:00 am/up at 9:00 am
God time? No
Exercise? No 
[P] Chicken (Lean Cuisine)
[P] X
[V] Mixed veggies
[V] Mixed veggies
[V] X
[F] Apple
[F] Apple and cranberries (Lean Cuisine)
[F] X
[St] Kashi
[St] Brown rice
[D] Skim milk
[D] Skim milk
[Sn] SF Klondike bar
*[Sn] Luna bar
[W] Four cups (including tea w/ creamer)

DON'T FORGET ABOUT MY NIGHTFOOD GIVEAWAY!

I feel completely uninspired tonight, so I'm going to write on how I'm using Step One to attempt to manage my compulsive overeating and sugar addiction.

My therapist had mentioned to me at a recent session that anger can manifest as inflammatory pain. Also, in the metaphysical world, the right side of the body represents "female energy," and feet represent the ability to take in the joy of life. All about receptivity basically. So, when I think on those things and try to integrate them  . . .  I get nuthin' :-) I believe I have covered most of my anger issues, but there is one tangle of events that I have never really addressed: they involve 9/11 and a number of events that occurred around that time. They enraged me, actually, and I don't think I've ever processed them fully. I can't see right now what these events, and my anger about them, have to do with feminine energy or accepting the joy of life, but I do know that they all propelled me like a bullet into my overeating and addiction, so based on previous experience I assume they are connected somehow.

Although I don't know if or where there might be connection, I wrote down a First Step on it and left it on my nightstand so I could remember it and refer to it when I feel like working on the issue. Sometimes I need something concrete like that to keep me focused. Here's what I wrote: "I am powerless over the tangled knot of events that triggered my compulsive overeating and sugar addiction, and my life has become completely unmanageable."

Although the degree of unmanageability varies from day to day, I am always humbled by my cunning and baffling disease. When I write about my powerlessness, it's like turning my problem over to my Higher Power and thus gives me some relief.

What in you or your life seems unmanageable? Have you turned it over to your Higher Power?


DON'T FORGET ABOUT MY NIGHTFOOD GIVEAWAY!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

May 19, 2011: Disappointment and Redirecting My Focus

Yesterday's food: I actually forgot to track. I was too excited for my Nightfood giveaway :-)

Last night was a real disappointment. The microphone my niece was supposed to sing into wasn't working. So, she moved over to another mic, which another girl had been using (they were each to have a short solo in the song, "Good Morning Baltimore" [from Hairspray] and then were supposed to sing together for a few lines). However, the other girl wouldn't move over to let my niece sing and sang her part instead! I was really pissed, all the way back to the car, that I had missed hearing my niece sing, and then I remembered that God is in charge of everything, and I practiced "Let Go and Let God" right then and there. I ended the evening having to be carried up my front steps because my left knee gave out on me, and I don't know why. I started into my usual "global" fear and projection pattern I usually go into when something goes wrong with me physically, but I stopped myself pretty quickly and refocused myself in the present. This ability to catch myself mid-thought and practice my program/mindfulness tells me that I have grown quite a bit since I started this experiment. I also noticed during the concert that my senses, as well as my ability to really be in my body, was very heightened. I had my eyes closed for much of it and just felt the music i my body while imagining being able to dance again (something I would have pursued had I not become handicapped in 1986).

I was recently confronted with the awareness that I don't really believe that my Higher Power (a.k.a. God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit) is all that powerful. I give a lot of lip service to His power, but deep in my heart I think my puny little handicap (relatively speaking) is too much for Him to cure! My therapist suggested imagining (and feeling in my body) what it would be like if God could (and did) heal my body. Conjuring up body memories are the most effective type of affirmation for me plus they feel good, too :-) Before I came home and nearly collapsed on the front steps, I was dancing ballet to Vivaldi's "Gloria" and having a grand time doing it!

Do you have any body memories that are particularly delightful for you? Please share them!

May 18, 2011: Blog Giveaway: Free Nightfood Bars!

Yesterday's food:

God time? No
Exercise? Yes (PT exercises)
[P] Egg white/meatball
[P] Chicken (salad)
[V] Large salad
[V] Large salad
[V] Large salad
[F] Apple
[F] Spaghetti sauce
[F] Pear halves
[St] Kashi 
[St] Yam
[D] Skim milk
*[D] Chobani yogurt 
[D] Ranch dressing
+[Sn] SF Klondike bar
[Sn] Popcorn
[Nightfoodbar] Yes
[W] Four cups

(This blog post was written last night but posted this morning)

Woot! I didn't blog yesterday because I finally had some manuscripts come in to edit (after a 1-week dry spell) plus I had a massage last night during my normal blogging time :-)  Tonight I'm going to hear my niece sing a solo at a school at a school presentation. I've been told that she sings very well, but this is the first time I will get to hear her. I'm very excited!

So, tonight is a good night to start my first-very blog contest/giveaway! Y'all are probably tired of seeing the Nightfood link-up in every food post, but I do that because I really believe in the product and the company. Here's what I wrote in Amazon's review area for the product:

"I'm excited to be the first person to review Nightfood: both the bars and the company. I first found out about them by way of Facebook. Because I have had intractable insomnia (both falling asleep and staying asleep through the night) since undergoing a complete hysterectomy in 2006, I am always curious about any product that purports to improve my chances of sleeping or assures me a better sleeping experience! I immediately ordered the samples bars offered on their Web site, received them promptly, and tried them within a few nights of ordering them.

I already take two different sleeping medications, so I didn't expect Nightfood to add too much to my current experience of falling asleep. I eat my Nightfood bar, with some milk, about 40 minutes before going to bed. I was please to experience a soft and subtle lulling sensation before going to bed. My first night of Nightfood sleep went well-- no waking up during the night and struggling to fall back asleep. However, the very coolest effect I noticed occurred in the morning: I woke up refreshed and alert rather than having the usual "hangover" from my sleep medications!

I believe in this product so much that I asked an employee there, the wonderful Sean, if I could buy stock in the company! Unfortunately, it hasn't "gone public," but I still continue to buy Nightfood bars by the months' worth. They always arrive super quickly, and one time when I had a problem ordering from their Web site, Sean actually called me at home to resolve the glitch, and the bars arrived within two days.


A product that aids and promotes a necessary life function and a company that cares enough to make personal contact when needed: What more could anyone want?"
There's not much more that I could add to that review to share with you, so on to the contest deets (the contest is open to US residents only):

CONTEST RULES (OPEN TO US RESIDENTS ONLY) 

1. You must either follow or subscribe to my blog (scroll down to "follow" or "subscribe" link) and leave a comment (1) on any blog post and (2) include mention of the Nightfood contest. Just one or the other alone will not qualify you for an entry.

2. You must also "like" Nightfood on Facebook  and leave a comment on their wall saying that Lisa N. sent you and giving the link to this giveaway.

You can earn one additional entry each by do the following:

1. Order a money back--guarantee sample box of Nightfood through this link: http://bit.ly/dRJacU.

2. Request Nightfood's free report of three surprising sleep tips that can help you sleep better tonight. 

That's it! I'll leave the contest up for approximately 2 weeks from today and will pick the winner, by way of random generator, on June 1, 2011. The lucky winner will get 1 box of Nightfood sent to them by Nightfood.com :-)

Good luck!

Monday, May 16, 2011

May 16, 2011: Staying Centered in God

Yesterday's food:

God time? Yes
Exercise: Yes (swim, PT exercises)
[P] Egg white
[P] Turkey meatball
[V] Subway Veggie Delight
[V] Subway Veggie Delight
[V] Spaghetti sauce
[F] Apple
[F] Mixed fruit
[F] Pineapple
[St] Kashi
[St] Rice noodles 
+[St] 6" roll (Subway) 
[D] Skim milk
[D] Cheese (Subway) 
[D] Mayonnaise (Subway)
[D] Chobani yourt
[D] Skim milk
[Sn] SF Klondike bar 
*[Sn] [PURE SUGAR] "Penny" candy (x 10) 
[Nightfoodbar] Yes 
[W] Four cups

Although I ate more servings than usual from my macronutrient categories yesterday, I'm pretty stoked that for the first time, my fruit and veggie slots were filled up! I usually miss two out of the three servings in both categories I schedule myself to eat each day. I think it's helping that my roommate and I decided a couple of weeks ago to have fresh fruit with dinner (not after). It feels like a real treat, and it's good for us :-)

I had a strong sense of well-being today along with reflection on how well, and how mercifully, God has grown me up. When I was younger, I felt older than I should, and now that I'm older, I find myself to be immature in many areas of life. Now I'm starting to feel like my insides match my chronological age, and I'm liking where I'm at. I know this is a gift from all the "inner" work I've done as well as the grace of God, but I also think my fairly regular exercise is boosting my endorphin levels. I'm not doing anything super strenuous, bit I am doing it regularly and building up my stamina and lung capacity by swimming. It's good for my phyche, too, because the pool is the only place I can stand on my own and walk without crutches or the using my wheelchair. I like being able to propel myself through space with my own limbs. It gives me a sense of freedom, and being under water lends itself to meditation and communion with God. There's a simple swimming prayer I say with each stroke: Thank you Lord (stroke), praise you Lord (stroke), thy will be done (stoke), not mine (stroke and repeat the length of the pool). It helps center and focus me for the day.

I have been eating some sugar and flour lately, but I haven't seen any negative physical or spiritual consequences from it so far.  My connection with the Holy Spirit is strong right now, hopefully a consequence of the Bible study I'm doing at church, which requires me to maintain conscious contact with my Higher Power (Step Eleven). Life is good just for today.

Hope you feel the same way, too :-)

Sunday, May 15, 2011

May 15, 2011: Transformation Through Tragedy

Yesterday's food:

God time? Yes
Exercise? Nope, Sunday is my day off :-)
+[P] Beef and bean burrito
[P] Tuna salad
[V] Cole slaw
[V] Green beans
[V] Celery (in tuna salad)
[F] Cantaloupe
[F] Cantaloupe
[F] X
[St] Kashi
[St] Rice noodles (in tuna salad)
*[D] Chobani yogurt
[D] Skim milk
[D] Sour cream
[D] Skim milk
[Sn] SF Klondike bar
[Sn] SF Klondike bar
[W] Three cups including tea w/ creamer)

I recently encountered a tragedy that befell someone to whom I made amends, in a letter, about a year ago. It was a tragedy for my friend, for her husband, and for me. I'm not going to give you all the gory details, but I had treated this friend badly in my ignorance and lack of self-awareness. My neglect of her had occurred more than 20 years ago, when I was literally broken by lupus cerebritis, recovering from my abusive alcoholic upbringing, had not yet started working the Al-Anon program, and way before I became a Christian. In short, I was selfish, unable to identify yet alone handle my strong emotional life, had no moral compass, was easily overwhelmed, and had no boundaries. Due to a series of unfortunate events and my inability to identify and share my emotions, I "chose" to sever our deep and fun multi-year friendship, abruptly, over the phone. I gave no explanation. I just said, "I don't want to be friends anymore" and hung up.

Many years passed before I attempted closure of our bad ending, and I called my friend to apologize. She said to me, "I think I deserve an explanation." She did, but I didn't even understand my own behavior at that time. I told her that and said I would give her an explanation when I knew what is was. She knew I has been in therapy for most of my life and so would eventually tease it out of the swampy depths of my soul.

I did tease it out, and offered her my explanation in a heartfelt letter. Unbeknownst to me, she must have told her new husband (at the time I ditched our friendship) of my behavior, and she was later was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease). He intercepted my letter and chose to withhold it from her to spare her further pain. He didn't know I was working a program and providing the explanation my friend had requested. She subsequently died, a couple of weeks after her 51st birthday, on April 6, 2011. I know this because he wrote me a letter, which I received just last weekend, in which he reamed me out for what I had done to his wife. He completely misunderstood my letter and had carried anger toward me for nearly a year before he wrote back to me. So, I had deeply hurt not one person but two.

How is this a tragedy for anyone other than my friend? It's a tragedy for her husband, who does not know that he withheld information from his wife that might have soothed her, not harmed her. I want to tell him that, but I think it would hurt him further, so my program forbids it. I can only assume that he did the best thing he could at the time, but I feel sad that he carried anger at me for so long. It's a tragedy for me because I was robbed of the opportunity for the closure that I had hoped for as well as missed an opportunity to serve God by ministering to someone with whom I had previously enjoyed a deep connection. She must have lost a lot of control over her body, and although I don't necessarily have a death sentence with lupus as she did with ALS, I do know what it is like to lose control over my body in encroaching increments. I believe that I could have offered her much understanding and helped her process her emotions.

How am I attempting to transform this tragedy into something loving and good? Here is where my connection with Jesus has taken me in just one week since I received notice of my friend's death:

1. The fruits of peace and self-control: I am not angry at the content of the letter I received, and I understand my friend's husband's anger at me. Normally I would have shot off a nasty letter back to him, but I have had no desire to do so.

2. The fruits of kindness and love: I am praying for my friend's family and for the words and opportunity to respond to her husband in love, with no trace of defensive or hurtful language.

3. The fruit of faithfulness: I am praying and waiting on God's direction for me in this situation instead of thinking I can figure it out on my own.

4. The fruit of self-control: I did not self-soothe with food over this tragic news. Normally I would have eaten right away without understanding the connection between my emotions and food. Later I would have eaten and actually said to myself, "I need to stress eat." Now I don't have to eat at all. I poured my heart out to a Christian sister instead and received love, prayer, empathy, and counsel.

5. The fruit of faithfulness: I believe there is a huge life lesson for me in this situation and am open to receiving it from God, even if it causes me to feel more pain.

I don't know where God is going to carry me in all of this, but I know His will won't take me where His grace can't keep me. Thanks for letting me share this with you.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

May 14, 2011: Mindfulness

Yesterday's food:


God time? Yes!
Exercise? Yes (swim and PE exercises)

[P] Egg white

[P] Peanut butter
[P] Chicken, dark

[V] Green beans

[V] X

[V] X

[F] Apple

[F] Strawberry jam (Smucker's Uncrustable)

[F] X

[St] Kashi

[St] Kashi
+*[St] Bread (Smucker's Uncrustable)
[St] Sweet corn
[St] Popcorn

[D] Skim milk

[D]Skim milk
*[Sn] Reese's mini Peanut Butter Cups (x 10) 
*[Sn] Ice cream cone, small
[Nightfoodbar] Yes (x 2)
[W] Two cups

I'm still struggling with the time it takes to record my food and post it, but that's the only way I think I'm going to be able to get more clear on the food I actually eat and how much of it contains sugar and or flour. I need to slow myself down enough to know what I'm putting in my mouth and why. I have always liked the concept of internal "speed bumps" to slow myself down, and maybe I can look at my food-tracking as an external speed bump that helps my inner, spiritual evolution.

Speaking of slowing down, the inductive Bible study I've started doing really slows me down and prevents me from blowing through the books of the Bible -- like doing the Cliff Notes version. My pastor said in Bible study at the beginning of the survey class that to really understand the Bible and what it's saying to you and your life, you have to "eat" it, i.e., chew on it, take it into your gut, and let the contents of it seep into your blood and bones so it can nourish your mind and soul.

Of course, that's an analogy I can understand, the eating part at least. But like the Bible can nourish me if  slow down long enough to "eat" it, so can food really nourish my body if I slow down enough to take note of what I'm eating and what the nutrients are. "Mindful eating" is the term, I believe, for this way of eating. Hmmmm, that gives me a new tool to work with: eating with mindfulness, reading the Bible with mindfulness. Living with mindfulness.

What would go better in your life if you slowed down? I'm curious to know :-)

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

May 10, 2011: Bible Study Play Tools

My most recent food: 

God time? Yes
Exercise? Yes
[P] Jumbo egg white
[P] Chicken sausage
[V] Mixed veggies
[V] Mixed veggies
[V] X
[F] Gala apple
[F] X
[F] X
[St] Kashi
+*[St] Dunkin Donut
[St] Brown rice
[D] Skim milk
[D]Skim milk
[Sn] Nightfood bar
[Sn] X
[W] Four cups

Can you tell that I've been struggling with tracking my food and posting to my blog? I'm sorry I've abandoned you for quite a few days. My sleeping has been off, and work has been erratic to say the least. And it is seeming harder and harder to keep my commitment to this experiment, even when I take it one day at a time. The hardest thing for me with tracking and blogging, as in all other areas of my life, is not giving in to the "I don't wanna" syndrome. I must have grown up with a greater lack of discipline than I even thought before: I consistently fail to stick with things because my "inspiration" runs out, and I'm not experienced at persevering with something when that happens. I tend to think that I must feel the feeling before I commit, or continue to commit, and that (as well as terminal inertia) is perhaps my greatest character defect, which I am trying to overcome with God's help. So, I don't want to be writing this post but am doing it anyway because I said I would back in January 2011.  

I have a new tool to use for my own private Bible study: Discover the Bible for Yourself by Kay Arthur. It was sent to me by mistake along with a book I ordered through Paperback Swap. It looked good, so I transferred one of my credits to the sender and kept it. It's a method of inductively studying the Bible by yourself or with other. I had no idea at the time what "inductive study" meant, but it required colored pencils, so I went for it, LOL. Color hooks me every time!

I'm still not sure where the book is going, but it has charts to write in and has me highlighting words from the Bible in different colors for later study (looking for themes, etc.), plus it asks insightful questions about each book of the Bible, so I'm going to keep playing around and see what comes out of it. I'm trying right now to use it in conjunction with my Bible study survey class, but marking the key words is very time-consuming (albeit fun), and the Bible study requires a lot of reading each week, so I'll probably end up saving it for later study on my own. I wanted to study the books of the New Testament in greater detail anyway. I think I'll take the book to class this Sunday for "show and tell," LOL. I love to play!

What tools do you use to study?