God time? No
[Sn] Jelly Belly jellybeans
Aaaaaaaaaaaargh! Blaaaaaaargh! It has been one of those days. I am so freaking sick and tired of being handicapped and am so angry at God for letting this happen to me. I haven't had any work come in for two days, and it sucks to start the month with a page-quota deficit. And I haven't been swimming due to the pain I've been in since I underwent a total of 5 or 6 root canals this past week. I've just had it up to here! Will fall never come, dagnabbit? The heat in these parts is making me lose my mind on top of everything else. Grrrrrrrr <shakes it all off like a dog shaking off water>. Snork, slork, snurp, brrrrt.
OK, thanks for letting me get that out of my system. I'm so glad that I can have an honest relationship with my Higher Power and don't feel like I have to stuff my emotions about our relationship. I cursed Him up and down today because that's how I get sometimes. I get so bleeping sick of being handicapped, and sometimes I wonder why I'm being "punished" like this. Then I remember that it's all part of His (seemingly f^#@ed-up) plan for me, and it's my job to pray to know His will for me, and the power to carry it out, so I can make something good and worthwhile come out of my suffering and difficulty and struggles. I just hope that when I'm on my deathbed, I can look back and truly say that I have had a good life and not be bitter and resentful. That would be the worst thing of all.
Because of the pain I've been having and the subsequent pain medication (Percoset), my sleeping pattern have gotten really"off," and I haven't been swimming because my sleeping has been out of whack. I think the lack of exercise getting to me: I have come to rely on it to move my chi and help me keep up with my life and live it actively. Instead, I've fallen back into my usual passivity, which feels odd to me now. I feel "stuck" on getting done some the things I need to do, which would be easy now since I don't have any work. Blech.
So, what can I leave you with so that reading this blog post isn't a complete waste of your time? The best thing I could come up with this afternoon, after I cooled off, was H. A. L. T. When I'm feeling like I want to jump out of my skin or like someone set off a strobe light in my brain, I have to ask myself: Am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? If I am one or more of those things, I have to eat something nourishing, get my anger out in a healthy way (like I did with God earlier), call a friend, and/or lie down/nap/sleep. Then, after I've taken care of my basic human needs, I can start my day over again. So, I took a shower, ate dinner, watched an adorable episode of Millionaire Matchmaker (my newest guilty pleasure), and now I'm finishing this post. Things seem back in perspective now. Thanks for listening and reading :-)