Saturday, October 22, 2011

October 22, 2011: I Will Not Beat Myself Up!

Hi all,

No food today, not because I haven't been tracking but just because I just plain don't feel like it. I've been struggling with not wanting to continue this blog versus wanting to keep my promise to myself at the beginning of the year. It reminds me of getting caught up in love, not legalism. Also, up until rather recently, I was doing very well with not eating white flour and sugar, but in the past month I've been seduced by Peep pumpkins and Fiber One brownie bars, which are great for my digestion but not so much for the joints. I've definitely notice an increased pain level in my body, and it seemed to show up after I had my first Benlysta infusion. I was probably being hyper-vigilant for early changes (it could take up to 6 months before I know if it's helping or not), but the timing also coincided with a few weeks of increased sugar and flour consumption. I have been allowing myself "binges," but just on the weekend, but it escalated to at least once during the week, too. So, although I feel as if keeping this blog has helped me to increase my conscious contact with God and carry out His will (the Bible study will be four weeks old tomorrow, and the new Al-Anon meeting launches November 4th), I feel like I'm slipping in the mechanics of abstinence, so I think it would be better for me to keep going with it even though I've been resisting. I really don't want to fall down the rabbit hole again!

On the weight loss front, I must be doing something right because I lost 1.4 pounds today per my weekly Weight Watchers weigh-in. That would be awesome if I didn't have the symptom of increased pain. So, it really just shows that although I'm within my points range, I'm eating the wrong types of food. My addiction has been reactivated simply through my laziness and perhaps complacency, and I feel sad for that. Maybe if I admit this at the recovery Bible meeting tomorrow night, it will help. I can give it a try. I have nothing to lose.

Here are some of the options I have considered for keeping this blog on reasonable (i.e., it works with my increasingly busy life) long-term basis:

1. Blog but eliminate logging the food
2. Keep logging the food but blog only once a week
3. Close the blog

The last one feels "drastic" to me and offers me no closure. The first one feels superfluous. It eliminates an important element of the experimental equation, no matter how dreary it is to do. The middle option seems to be the best to me right now, so I'm going to go with it. Publishing one blog post once a week (most probably on the weekend) feel doable to me. However, I have to think of a way to log the highlights (and lowlights) of my week, perhaps by coding them somehow in my tracker and then transposing them here. I like to work with colored markers and highlighters, so this might work for me :-)

I'll give it a try, OK? Look for my posts on a Saturday or Sunday (if anyone is actually reading) :-)

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