Monday, December 27, 2010

12/27/10: Damn the Last Hurrah

First things first. Here is yesterday's food:
12/26/10: Bed at 5 am this morning/up at 1:10 pm
*Iced coconut bar Luna bar (1/2)
1 apple
Brown rice
Corn & veggie mix
Tea w/ creamer
*Chocolate-covered pretzels (x 3)
*Hershey Kisses (x 3)
Filet roast with gravy
Sweet potatoes
Broccoli salad
Crystal Light (3/4 c)
Popcorn (handful)
Skim milk (1/2 c)
5 c water (including tea)
My weight this week = a whopping 172.6 pounds (I'm only 5'2") 

Ugh. I've been feasting on mini spice drops since about 5 pm this afternoon ( a "last hurrah," if you will), and I can already feel the self-loathing, as well as the fuzziness, lethargy, inertia, and general "F"-it-all (i.e., this project) attitude, creep in to my mind and spirit. This is about the time I would usually scrap all ideas of abstaining from sugar and give up. Except this time I made a commitment to the God in me, and I'm determined to keep it.

And this is how sugar works a number on my soul and connection with God. It's a lying vampire that sucks my spirit -- my deep desire to know and be with, to be in, God -- and invites me to abandon myself, my connection with God, and my recovery. I say "recovery" because I consider myself to be a sugar addict. My late father was an alcoholic, and alcohol is almost nothing but sugar once in the body, so this apple didn't fall far from the tree. I'm different only in the fact that I prefer to "mainline" my drug of choice by eating pure sugar in the first place, LOL.

And so my story really begins. Hope to see you tomorrow :-) I refuse to give up no matter how hard this gets.

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