Thursday, December 30, 2010

12/30/10: Sugar as Idolatry

Yesterday's food:

12/29/10: Bed at 11 pm/up at 9 am
Egg white
Tea with creamer
Swiss steak
Sweet potatoes
*Cookies (x 7)
Water (x 4 c)
Skim milk (1/2 c)

Heavy title, no? It occurred to me, even before I formally renewed my Christian baptismal vows this time last year, that being so attached to sugar was a form of idolatry.

Me: "Hmmm . . . God's will or sugar? OK, I'll take "sugar," Alex, for 400 points."

Sugar wins out every time. It's always at the top of my "pyramid" in life from which all other things flow (pretty messed up, huh?), and this is the pattern I'm attempting to interrupt this coming year.

I recently tried to explain my relationship with sugar to someone else. It went like this: Sugar is like a part of myself that is mistakenly on the outside of me, "sugarectomized" in some way, like I'm missing an internal organ, and it feels life-threateningly important that I get it on the inside of me. I feel bereft, empty, and almost lonely when I think of being around sugar and not being able to eat it. Now, intellectually I know that not eating sugar won't kill me, but it feels that way. It is definitely a compulsion; I can't not eat sugar (sorry for the double negative) if I'm anywhere near it. I lose all measure of self-control.

An old spiritual mentor of mine, Reenie, once said to me, "Sweetie, it's not about being in or out of control. It's about being under [God's] control." She didn't have to say the word "God" (hence the brackets)  because I already knew who she meant. And that's the key: To accept my powerlessness over eating sugar compulsively and turn it over to my Higher Power, whom I choose to call "God."

This experiment will be worked one day at a time under God's control, in His time and in His way. I'm just going along for the ride. Would you like to come along?

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