Does anyone remember the episode of The Brady Bunch when Greg goes "beatnick" and plays the bongos in a coffee shop with a group that sings the weird lyric that goes something like, "Little boy, face pressed up against the bakery shop window, there are no doughnuts for you today, only death. Badump bump <bongo sound>"?
Don't know why I went there, except that I've had a couple of really, really bad days. I'm pissed at God for making me the way I am, and I borderline hate myself for my weaknesses, especially my overeating a sugar addiction. I want to fix everything wrong about myself NOW, not on God's time, and I just have to keep reminding myself, over and over again, that I'm completely powerless over everything, including even myself. I know that beating myself up will make everything worse, so, as God is my witness, I am giving myself permission tonight to be fat and grumpy and powerless, dang it, and just try to enjoy the rest of my night. I haven't been able to sleep for the past two nights, and, God willing, I'll sleep tonight and everything will look brighter tomorrow morning.
So, I have no tracked food to share, only doughnuts and death, LOL. When my self-pity and self-hatred run their full course, they tend to spill over into dark, absurd humor. Consider yourself warned.
I know I'm in this spot because I lost control over Easter, which is the most candy-seductive holiday for me, even considering the sugar-filled charms of Halloween. There is something about the shapes, colors, and textures of Easter candy that compel me to consume it despite my commitment to this experiment. The slope-sliding concluded at Easter dinner when I ate a small piece of cheesecake, which I normally consider too rich even when I am binge-eating. I knew it had to end. Again.
I also haven't slept in two nights although I've slept well this past week. It freaks me the heck out how my body can seemingly lose control over itself with no apparent provocation, although the sugar I've eaten on and off over the post week may have been provocation enough . . . certainly something to think about. I wonder when I'm going to get with God's program for my body instead of my own? Back to Step One, powerlessness, and surrender.
See you tomorrow, God willing :-)
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