April 30, 2011: What's the Payoff?

Thursday's food: 

Thursday, 04/28/11: Bed at 4:00 am/up at 11:00 am

God time? Are you kidding?

[P] (and loads of fat) Peanut butter (8 oz. [half pound])

[P] (and loads of fat) Peanut butter (8 oz. [half pound])

[V] Mushrooms (on pizza)

[V] X

[V] X

[F] Plum

[F] X

[F] X

[St] Kashi

+[St] Crust (pizza)

+[St] Crust (pizza)

+[St] Crust (pizza)

[D] Skim milk

[D] Yogurt

[D] Skim milk

[Sn] X

[Sn] X

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] Two cups

I don't usually document my food when I'm up with insomnia, eating and shopping on the Internet, but I thought I'd start doing it. This is the worst, most pathetic, saddest, most out of control, and most unbalanced daily tracked food I've posted so far. This is how out of control my addiction(s) got on Wednesday night/early Thursday morning: Even though I rarely buy or eat peanut butter, there was no sugar in the house, so I ate a half pound of peanut butter. During that particular 24 hours, I ended up being 3591 calories over goal!!! And I also spent $100 shopping that I don't really have. It's pretty hard to connect with God when I've stuffed my stomach and soul with loads of fat, salt, and shopping. I wonder what would happen if, when I feel driven to stay up all night and eat and shop, I instead forced myself to wait 5 minutes before getting out of bed, praying all the while. Would the compulsion pass? Could I forge a connection with God at these times, no matter how weak, that would drive me to make a healthier choice? Anyone with an addiction knows that when it's active, it's so up in your face this it is you, and there is (or seem to be) no room for God at all. Doing (or being) anything other than your addiction feels hopeless and impossible.

How can I let God help me kick this self-destructive habit? First, I must admit that a huge part of me does not want to kick it. It's fun to an extent (although I admit it's getting less fun as time wears on). So, I could start by talking (or writing) honestly to God that I want His help but feel ambivalent about stopping this behavior. That would lead me right into doing a Fourth Step on it. What do I like about it? What do I dislike about it? How does it hurt me? How does it help me (or what do I get out of it)? This last one may sound weird, but I've learned that if I do something over and over again, even if I say I don't like doing it, it's generally because I get something out of it, no matter how twisted that "something" may be.

I've already worked Steps One on this problem, but I may not have really worked Step Two on it. Do I really believe that God can free me from the bondage of insomnia and the attendant compulsive eating and shopping? I need to look hard at that with someone I trust because either I don't believe that He can (although intellectually I know He can) or I choose to believe that He can't or won't because I don't want to stop acting out y addiction.

I remember when I first started my Al-Anon recovery and told my therapist that recovery was boring. Who would I be if I wasn't creating crises, sticking my nose in other peoples' business, and trying to control everything and everyone around me? At the time those behaviors were so much of my persona, I didn't know who I would be anymore if I gave them up. And perhaps I'm there again: Who would I be if I slept well, if I had a normal relationship with food, if I didn't have problems with compulsive behavior? Can I even imagine, in my mind and in my body's cells, being that person? Sometimes being able to viscerally imagine where I want to be is my first step being restored to sanity.