02/26/11: Got Good Stray Kitty Advice?

Yesterday's food:

02/25/11 Bed at 3:00 am/up at 10:00 am

God time?

[P] Sausage

[P] +Shake ‘n’ Bake chicken

[V] Coleslaw

[V] X

[V] X

[F] Polaner All Fruit

[F] Blueberries

[F] Blueberries

[F] Apple

[St] Ezekiel English muffin half

[St] Ezekiel English muffin half

[D] Skim milk

[D] Skim milk

[Sn] Nightfood bar

[Sn] Fritos

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] Three cups (including tea w/ creamer)

Whew, I'm exhausted! I've had particularly bad insomnia for two nights in a row (Thursday and Friday nights), and although I've bounced back fairly well -- and even kept up with my tracking -- the  lack of sleep catching up with me. I think I need to get back to having my half hour outside every morning (as prescribed by my sleep doctor to sleep better), although it's challenging given my mobility issues (and reluctance to sit out in the freeing morning weather, LOL). I've already warned a few people that although I may not be at church tomorrow morning, I will be at the workshop tomorrow night.

That having been said, I'm doing my quasi--Good Animal Samaritan deed and taking in a stray kitty (about 9 months old) that has been coming around to my front door. I say "quasi" because it's more for me than for her, LOL. I need to give and receive some extra sweetness in my life right now, and this is more healthy than eating sugar :-) We named her "Blanca" without really knowing her sex (that's her in the upper right corner of the blog), and she's been coming to the door twice a day, like clockwork, to be fed and to make kissies with Buster, my male cat, who chirps whenever she shows up. She's all white with green eyes (so we know she's not deaf), and as of yesterday, when we were able to trap her, she was sleeping over in our "lobby" (the small entryway between the storm door and the front door) on a fluffy bathroom rug and one of my velour hoodies.

After she was trapped, a friend of mine who does cat rescue came and took her to a clinic where she was sexed (female; we were right), tested for FIV/leukemia (both negative), neutered (she wasn't pregnant), claw-clipped, flea-dipped, and ear-washed. It's like the Cat Car Wash! Just drive her on through! Wish I could do that with my often-malfunctioning body, LOL :-)

My friend called me this morning and said, "It's a girl!" and I was so excited. I feel ready to lavish love on something small and furry (my "previous" cat, Buster, has thoroughly attached to my roommate and doesn't tolerate my amorous advances very well). I just don't know how feral she really is and whether or not she'll come around to liking humans, but she has trusted us so far, and I just have to leave the rest up to God.

If you have any stray cat-socializing advice, bring it on!

02/25/11: I'm Back and No Worse for the Wear

Many days of nontracked food: 02/16/11 through 02/23/11

Yesterday's food: 

02/24/11 Bed at 10:30 pm/up at 8:00 am

God time? Yes

[P] Egg white

[P] Dairy in lasagna

[V] Green beans

[V] Brussels sprouts

[V] Red, yellow, and orange peppers

[F] Apple

[F] X

[F] X

[St] Kashi

[St] Rice

[St] +Noodles in lasagna

[St] Popcorn

[D] Skim milk

[D] Skim milk

[D] *Ice cream

[D] Cheese in lasagna

[Sn] Nightfood bar

[Sn] Nightfood bar

[Sn] Nightfood bar

[Sn] Nightfood bar

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] Four cups (including tea with creamer)

Whew, I'm having a really hard time with this whole tracking thing, although I know it's the best way to go. Problem is, I usually try to keep all of my food for the day in my head and then enter it into a Word document and then copy and paste it here. And I'm forgetting to do the recording. So, I bought a little lined journal to carry around with me (I eat in all different rooms of the house) so I can write each item down right away. So far, so good. And it's easier that trying to keep everything in my head. Just to be safe, I'm going to post here even if I don't track, OK? I imagine that the nontracked days are just as spiritually laden as the tracked ones, but we'll see.

I did eat some sugar and flour during my time of not tracking. Nothing really bingey, except for last Friday, when I scarfed down five, count 'em, five fresh and soft Dunkin' Donuts on my way to a doctor's appointment! It was planned abandon, and I lost myself to that creamy, jimmied sweetness with joy on my tongue and a song in my heart! I haven't had Dunkin Donuts for about 20 years and am not likely to have them for another 20 years, so I really let so and enjoyed myself, LOL!

On the spiritual front, my God time has been sporadic. However, last Sunday I taught a workshop to some of the teens and adolescents in my church on finding their spiritual gits. I felt pretty comfortable with them, and the concluding class is this Sunday night.

Wish me luck in answering God's call for me to do this!

02/16/11: The Cat Theory of God's Will

Three days' worth of (non) food:

02/15/11 Bed at 11:30 pm/up at 10:30 am
Didn’t track

02/14/11 Bed at 11:30 pm/up at 10:30 am

Didn’t track

02/13/11 Bed at 11:30 pm/up at 10:30 am
God time? No
[P] Egg white
[P] Pork tenderloin
[V] Mixed peppers
[V] Broccoli
[V] X
[F] Apple
[F] X
[F] X
[St] GF/SF muffins (x 2)
[St] Rice noodles
[D] Skim milk
[D] X
[Sn] Nightfood bar
[Sn] Nightfood bar
[Nightfood bar] Yes
[W] Three cups (including tea w/ creamer)

Did I ever tell you about my cat theory of God's will? It goes like this (I'm a cat person, but you could probably substitute "small dog" wherever I write "cat"):  My cat, Buster, is thinking, "Hmmmm, I think I want to eat some of my crunchy cat food" and meanders over to his food dish for a bite. On the other hand, I'm thinking to myself, "Boy, my cat looks especially cute and fluffy today. I want to pick him up and nuzzle his belly." And while I'm at it, I'll carry him into another room, kiss and nuzzle on him, and then set him down somewhere far from his original destination. And he thinks, "WTF?"

That's how God's will works in my life. I think I have my plan and agenda for the day, or even the month or next year, and then God picks me up, nuzzles me, and sets me down again somewhere strange and bewildering, often somewhere I don't want to be. Then I think, "WTF?"

My first reaction to change is to fear that it will be bad, and I'll scramble every which way I can to get back where I was. It's like I'm flowing down the river of life and frantically pulling on the tall grasses that grow along both banks of the river to slow my raft down and steer it somewhere other than where it's headed.

But when I remember that God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit are with me wherever I go -- and especially when I work my Third Step every morning and turn my life and will over to the care of God as I understand Him -- I can relax my grip on the tall grasses, let go, and enjoy the ride knowing that wherever I end up, it will be a good place because they will be with me.

As for the recent food aspect of my life, I did eat sugar on Valentine's day (albeit a small amount), and I found that that the cravings resonated into yesterday, at which point I succumbed to one Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. This morning I had the thought that I do actually have control over my sugar cravings; that I can flip them on and off like a light switch, merely by eating and then not eating sugar. If I eat sugar, and keep on eating it, the cravings will continue; it's like being on a never-ending merry-go-round... If I eat it and then stop eating it, the cravings disappear in a day or two (it might be longer for you, however).

That's just tiny piece to understanding the puzzle of why I eat sugar and flour compulsively, but that tiny piece is wearing a miner's hat and going digging for more clues!

See you tomorrow, I hope!

02/13/11: Permission to Abdicate

Yesterday's food:

02/12/11 Bed at 11:30 pm/up at 7:00 am

God time? Of sorts

[P] Egg white

[P] Quiche filling

[P] Pork roast

[V] Mixed peppers

[V] Broccoli

[V] Vruit

[F] Apple

[F] Vruit

[F] X

[St] SF/GF muffins (x 2)

[St] SF/GF muffins (x 2)

[St] +Quiche crust

[D] Skim milk

[D] Quiche filling

[D] Skim milk

[Sn] Nightfood bar

[Sn] Nightfood bar

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] Two cups (including tea w/ creamer)

What's shakin' with you? I had a pretty good day today, without white sugar and white flour. Never thought I'd say that, but it's true. I may feel differently tomorrow, but just for right now, it's true. I'm actually starting to feel just a little bit freer from the compulsion to "use" those two foods, and it feels really good.

I had a day of "planned" experiment abdication last week with a friend who asked me out to dinner, and I'll have another one tomorrow because someone invited me out for a movie (Black Swan), and I already bought a theater-box of Raisinets, LOL. At least they are 50% (or more) fruit!

I felt much more in control having a planned abdication form my experiment. Very different from my experiences of losing control followed by self-loathing. It was fun to give myself permission to eat, and boy! did we eat!

What sort of fun have you given yourself permission to have lately?

02/12/11: My Calm Gets Tested

Two (non-consecutive) days' worth of food:

02/07/11 Bed at 10:30 pm/up at 9:30 am

God time? Yes

Exercise? Yes

[P] Steak

[P] Beans in chili

[V] Broccoli

[V] Tomatoes in chili

[V] X

[F] Apple

[F] X

[F] X

[St] Kashi

[St] Cornbread (x 3 small pieces)

[St] Beans in chili

[D] Skim milk

[D] Skim milk

[Sn] Nightfood bar

[Sn] Nightfood bar

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] Five cups (including tea w/ creamer)

02/06/11 Bed at 10:30 pm/up at 6:45 am

God time? Yes (church and Bible study)

[P] Egg white

[P] Steak

[P] Salami

[V] Green beans

[V] Salad

[V] Salad

[F] Apple

[F] Polaner All Fruit

[F] Apple

[St] Ezekiel English muffin

[St] +Fried mozzarella sticks

[St] +Corn bread

[D] Fried mozzarella sticks

[D] Skim milk

[D] Skim milk

[Sn] Nightfood bar

[Sn] *Milkyway bar

[PURE SUGAR] *Ginger ale

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] Two cups (including tea with creamer)

Well, I got really thrown off track over the last four to five days or so. A truckload of work came in over the past few days (good eustress), and I have to prep it even before I start editing it (I'm a freelance medical editor). Then I had to write my contact in India to let him know I wouldn't be able to meet the turnaround deadline. He extended it for me, which I take as a vote of confidence in my medical editorial skills :-) I'm very grateful that my work has not suffered for the economy's ups and downs.

Then I had a health insurance whammy, right upside the head! Every October I get a letter from my insurance broker telling me that my self-pay premium has gone up (of course) and giving me the option to choose another plan. Because of my multitude of health issues, I just always stay with the same plan, so I don't usually send the letter back, knowing that it will default to the plan I've had for years.

Well, shame of me for not reading the letter because my particular plan was obliterated because of the new health care reform, and I was switched over to a new default plan, which has copay for tests I've never had copays for and has way higher copays for the innumerable drugs I take. So, now that I've pretty much stopped going to therapy and thought I would have some extra money for the month, it's going to get sucked up by high copays for monthly medication. Ugh. I know I shouldn't complain because I do have health insurance, but it's a bitch to have to shell out more than $1,000.00 per month for my premium and then get socked by higher copays. It costs a lot to be self-employed. Think of that when you're ready to walk out on your office job because it sucks so much!

I think I'm freaking out about it less than usual because I'm much calmer now that I've been either off sugar or low-sugar for a while. And my relationship with my Higher Power is much stronger. As sappy as it sounds, I do try to look at circumstances as blessings from God, even it they're to teach me a lesson that I might not particularly want to learn. Don't get me wrong. I still crudely curse God out from time to time, but my spirit is much more malleable -- more accepting and less rebellious -- than it use to be. And that in itself is a gift.

See you tomorrow. I promise.

02/09/11: Taking Care of Myself . . .

. . . by not blogging. Really bad case of eyestrain. Hope to see you soon :-)

02/11/11: Update: I had a painful case of "ocular infiltration." Yup, it was a Staphyloccocus spy that sneaked in under my cornea. Ouch! Daily eye drops, nightly eye ointment, and multiple eye doctor visits have made it better. Thanks for asking.

02/06/11: "Love" As Verb

Yesterday's food:

02/05/11 Bed at 10:30 pm/up at 6:30 am

God time? Yes

[P] Egg white

[P] Chicken

[V] Cole slaw

[V] Peas

[V] Broccoli

[F] Apple

[F] Banana

[F] X

[St] Kashi

[St] Brown rice

[D] Skim milk

[D] *Chobani Greek yogurt

[Sn] Nightfood bar

[Sn] Nightfood bar

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] Three cups (including tea with creamer)

Overall, yesterday may have been my best, most consistent with my experiment food day since I began, which is cool because my zealousness for this experiment is quickly running out. I won't give up; the winning is in the perseverance and commitment, but the drive behind it is quite lagging, LOL. And that's the hard part for me, sustaining the commitment even when I don't feel like it (cue whiny voice). It's also the difficult part of loving, too, either myself or someone else: To keep on loving even when the feeling or wanting to do so is less than present.

I remember being bowled over by Erich Fromm's The Art of Loving when I was in my late teens/early 20s. I had already been exposed to the idea that "love" is an action word, not just a feeling, as well as to the four types of love according to the Greeks: agápe (brotherly and sacrificial love; 1 Corinthians 13), éros (romantic, sensual love), philía (friendship; dispassionate virtuous love), and storgē (affection or tolerance; familial love). These were interesting concepts to me, but they were just mental constructs until I read Fromm, who postulates that love (as a verb) can be learned just as one can lean any other art or craft, by practicing, and then he lays out a manual of sorts for learning how to love, which starts with acquiring knowledge of the person one "loves."


When was the last time you sought knowledge about someone you loved, or wanted to love, rather than going merely by your ephemeral feelings? When was the last time you tried to learn something about yourself so that you could love yourself better? Have you ever tried to love someone whom you hated?


Stay tuned for more <wink>.

02/05/2011: This Post is a Humdinger!

Three days' worth of (non) food:

02/02/11: Bed at 2:30 am/up at 10:30 am

God time? No

[P] Egg white

[P] Sausage

[V] Brussels sprouts

[V] Tuscan vegetable soup

[V] Tuscan vegetable soup

[F] Apple

[F] Polaner all Fruit

[F] X

[St] Kashi

[St] Brown rice

[St] Ezekiel English muffin

[D] Skim milk

[D] Skim milk

[Sn] GF/SF muffin

[Sn] GF/SF muffin

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] Six cups (including tea w/ creamer [x 2]
 

02/03/11: Bed at 10:30 pm/up at 7:00 pm

God time? Yes

[P] Egg white

[P] Chicken

[V] Carrots and string beans

[V] Cole slaw

[V] X

[F] Apple

[F] X

[F] X

[St] Kashi

[St] Rice

[D] Skim milk

[D] Skim milk

[Sn] Home-made GF/SF muffins (x 2)

[Sn] X

[Nightfood bar] Yes [x 2]

[W] Two cups

02/04/11: Didn't track 

Well, I'm finally gonna spill my little cup of beans (if you haven't already figured it out): I work a 12-step program. It's called "Al-Anon," and it's a support group for friends and family (and employers, employees, girlfriends, and boyfriends, etc.) of alcoholics. It's a bitch of a program to work, but I have lots of people working it right alongside me, so I'm not alone, and it's been among the handful of most worthwhile things I've ever done in my 50 years of life (one of them being able to get through my murderous rage at my abusive alcoholic father and forgive him). There's a junior version called "Alateen" (same link). If you have any negative feelings about anyone at all who drinks even the smallest amount of alcohol, you can go there and get help. It works (if you work it). Don't judge yourself. If drinking or the effects of drinking bother you on any level, give it a try.

I wanted to share this information before but had to get comfortable with blogging first. Since Al-Anon (i.e., the program) has been so vital to my existence (responsible for it in fact), it has to be a part of this blog, or this blog wouldn't be "me."

Although I consciously chose to become a Christian a couple of years ago (2 years this past Christmas), Al-Anon will forever be my church of choice and Jesus my Higher Power. To me, the program is basically a support group for change, healing, forgiveness, and repentance. I wouldn't be putting myself "out there" like this if I hadn't finished my Ninth Step in the program. Doing so released a lot of pent-up psychic energy that had to go somewhere, and since I turn my life and my will over to Jesus every day in Step Three, that energy has to go somewhere good and healthy. Hence, this experiment (part of my overall recovery) and this blog.

Whew, now I can really be myself here! I will be linking a lot to Al-Anon (or "the program"), but I promise not to do it more than once per post per phrase, OK? If my miserable little blog can lead just one person to any kind of recovery, then I'll be a happy puppy :-)

See you soon!

02/01/11: Major Meltdown

Yesterday's food:

02/01/11: Bed at 10:30 pm/up at 9:00 am

God time? Yes

[P] Egg white

[P] Sausage

[V] Brussels sprouts

[V] X

[V] X

[F] Apple

[F] Fruit in muffin

[F] Fruit in muffins

[St] Kashi Berry Blossoms

[St] X

[D] Skim milk

[D] Skim milk

[Sn] Home-made GF/SF muffins (x 2)

[Sn] Home-made GF/SF muffins (x 2)

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] Five cups (including tea w/ creamer)

*[TEN MINI SNICKERS AND 4 REESE’S PEANUT BUTTER CUPS] 

One day, my friend, Sue, was visiting me in my old apartment. My male black-and-white tuxedo cat, Buster, was sitting upright under a distressed bench in my hallway. I asked Sue, "Why do you think he's sitting there of all places." (He looked pretty goofy.) She replied, "Because he can." 

Why do I eat sugar? Because I can. Not because I'm craving it or using it to calm some sort of emotional turmoil, but simply because it's simply in the house. Although I've been really good about not bringing flour and sugar into the house, I forgot I had stashed some leftover Halloween candy. Unfortunately, I reclaimed that memory yesterday. I ate a little bit of it yesterday and then I ate a whole honkin' bunch of it today. Just because I could.

Weirder, my lapse from tracking and posting during the last four days -- a "break" of sorts -- went pretty well: I didn't eat sugar or flour and even got my shipment of Pamela's completely awesome Baking and Pancake Mix and made muffins sweetened with dried fruit, not sugar (thus, I had a GF/SF option in the house, so no excuses), I ate sugar anyway. Sigh. I think it was a case of willful intention. I prayed to be protected from temptation, but my mind was made up even while I was praying.

I did, however, notice what was going on with my body while I was eating sugar as well as afterward. While I was eating it, I noticed that I wasn't having the "mouth-gasm" that I usually have when I consume sugar. That visceral release of "ahhhhhhhh." Afterward, I felt a bit sick to my stomach and bloated. Even later I noticed that my arthritis felt a bit more painful.

I read earlier today that everything in life is a lesson, a blessing, or a little of both. So, I'm going to take this experience and use it somehow. Stay tuned.