01/27/11: Powdered Sugar Snow

Yesterday's food:

01/27/11: Bed at 2:15 am/up at 9:00 am

God time? No

[P] Egg white

[P] Beef in chili

[V] Broccoli

[V] Carrots

[V] Carrots

[F] Apple

[F] X

[F] X

[St] Kashi

[St] Brown rice

[D] Skim milk

[D] Skim milk

[Sn] Extra Nightfood bar

[Sn] X

[Nightfood bar] Yes (x 2)

[W] Four cups (including tea w/ creamer)

*+[ACCKK – SUGAR!] THEATER-SIZED BOX OF INSIDE-OUT JUNIOR MINTS

Yes. I did it. I gave in to the Inside-Out Junior Mints  mentioned the other day. I ate is as "stress candy" (yes, I actually feel visceral relief upon eating candy when stressed) after hearing of the sudden death a young friend of my family. I held off most of the day, but I finally gave in and ate the entire gigantic box. I'm not proud of it, but not I'm going lie to you or beat myself up, either.

Right now the snow falling is of such a size (minuscule), such a perfect density, and of such directional aim (straight down) that it looks exactly like someone is sprinkling powdered sugar over my entire neighborhood. As I've said before, I love snow! I'll try to focus on that instead of my rampant desire for sugar (no doubt from yesterday's slip; now I have to train my taste buds all over again) and my accompanying vociferous Chew (they go hand in hand you know)!

I've heard that it takes about three days to overcome a physical craving for sugar, and that's about right in my experience. Mental and emotional craving is another thing altogether. I figure if I can conquer the former, the latter two will fall in line (hopefully).

It's been a good day despite the whining annoyances of sugar. I haven't much felt like hanging out with God lately, hence the absence of "yes" responses to the God time question in my daily food postings. I usually talk with Him, pray to Him, and praise Him throughout the day, so we're still connecting, just not in so straightforward a way as usual.

I wish I had something Earth-shattering to say to you today, but sometimes "meh" is as good as it gets, LOL :-)

Have a good night!

01/26/11: Haphazard But Good Day!

Yesterday's food:

01/25/11: Bed at 10:30 pm/up at 9:00 am

God time? Yes

[P] Egg white

[P] Beef in chili

[V] Broccoli

[V] Tomatoes in chili

[V] X

[F] Apple

[F] Fruit in muffin

[F] Fruit in muffin

[St] Kashi

[St] Brown rice

[St] Beans in chili

[D] Skim milk

[D] Sour cream on chili

[D] Skim milk

[Sn] Home-made SF/GF muffin

[Sn] Home-made SF/GF muffin

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] Four cups (including tea w/ creamer [x 2])

Today was a haphazard eating day but really fun day all around. I ate like crap (those home-made sugar-and-flour bites called "cookies"), and I felt OK about it because I knew I would get back on track tomorrow. In other words, I trusted myself! And yesterday I actually turned down a box of limited-edition inside-out Junior Mints (not my auction), possible one of my favorite candies around! Am I cool or what? As I wrote down today's food (just a few minutes ago actually), it turns out it wasn't as crappy a food day as I thought :-) I didn't eat anything on schedule or in the usual order, but I fulfilled most of my macronutrients. That tells me more than anything that the sugar-free/gluten-free experiment is getting deeper under my skin, and that's a good thing!

Plus, we had a ginormous amount of snow in my geographical area tonight, with the majority of it still to come. I get ridiculously excited over snow even though I can't get around in it at all because of my handicap. But when I could still walk, I loved it! I always felt adventurous when I went out in the snow, even if I was doing ordinary things. Plus I love breathing in bracingly cold air. I love cold weather and snuggling up under a quilt, making a fire, and drinking tea. Winter: I love everything about it.

Yes, I’m just a big ol’ dork and proud of it!

See you tomorrow!

01/25/11: Am I Really Exempt?

Two days' (sort of) worth of food:

01/24/11: Bed at 10:30 pm/up at 6:30 am

God time? No

[P] Egg white

[P] Chicken

[V] Salad

[V] Salad

[V] Salad

[F] Apple

[F] Fruit in muffins

[F] Fruit in muffins

[St] Brown rice

[St] Kashi

[D] Skim milk

[D] Skim milk

[Sn] Home-made SF/GF muffins (x 2)

[Sn] Home-made SF/GF muffins (x 2)

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] Four cups (including tea w/ creamer)

01/23/11: Bed at 10:30 pm/up at 7:00 am

God time? Yes (Bible study and church service)

[P] Egg white

[P]

[V]

[V]

[V]

[F] Apple

[F]

[F]

[St] Kashi

[St]

[D] Skim milk

[D]

[Sn] Kashi bar

[Sn] Kashi bar

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] 4 cups (including tea w/ creamer)

I wrote you a great post on Sunday but proceeded to delete it with a mis-push of a button. I'm going to try writing today and use the "save" feature as I go along so it doesn't happen again. I was going to try to recreate the post later on Sunday but lost track of time and didn't get to it.  apologize for that.

I didn't write yesterday because (1) I had a chance to go swimming, so I nabbed it since I haven't been to the YMCA in months (it felt really good to exercise my body, BTW) and (2) I spent the rest of the afternoon undergoing a venous Doppler ultrasound of both of my legs to determine the cause of edema in my ankles (since I already have a risk of stroke) as well as an x-ray of my left foot (post-surgical follow-up). The Doppler was negative, so at least I know I'm not harboring clots, and now I move onto getting an echocardiogram. Whoo hoo! (not really, LOL).

Anyway, Sunday's post was about an intellectually rigorous adult Bible study on the second part of the Book of Matthew and a really good sermon about the Sermon on the Mount. I'm not entirely sure that I understood where my pastor was coming from, but when I reflected on what I thought he was saying, I realized that, to quite an extent, I think I am exempt from "carrying" the Good News, as well as getting out and helping the poor and needy, because of my mobility issues as well as a host of other medical issues.

 

However, being an introverted type, I do welcome the opportunity to witness to Jesus' gifts in my life, in a quiet one-on-one setting, if someone seems willing to actually hear the message rather than me just talking at them. I yearn to help people heal into wholeness, and to me, that's what Jesus is all about: forgiveness, healing, and love. My prayer for a very long time has been this: Lord, please lead me to the people who want what I have to offer. For such a long time I languished in a birth family in which I was the odd one out, the one nobody understood, and the one who felt I had nothing to give because of the combination of my family not sharing the same values and also from being handicapped and thus limited in giving the kind of help that was valued in my family, i.e., physical help.

That has changed since I became a Christian (I was baptized as a baby, but I truly came to accept Christ as my Lord and Savior as an adult and renewed my baptismal vows). I now have a church family that understands where I am coming from, to whom I hope to minister, and in the context of which I can practice Jesus' lessons of love. And my birth family life has gotten a lot better since I can now get my spiritual needs met elsewhere instead of trying to get my family members to fulfill those needs (somewhat like going to the hardware store for milk, LOL). I am truly blessed!

So, I'll just keep on blooming where I'm planted and asking the Lord to direct me. Who knows where I'll end up?

Hope to see you tomorrow!

01/22/11: It Goes Both Ways

Yesterday's food:

01/21/11: Bed at 10:30 pm/up at 6:30 am

God time? Yes

[P] Egg white

[P] Almond butter

[P] Swiss Steak

[V] Carrots and beets

[V] Tomatoes and celery

[V] X

[F] Polaner All Fruit

[F] Banana

[F] Apple

[S] Ezekiel English muffin

[S] Brown rice

[Sn] Kashi bar

[Sn] Kashi bar

[D] Babybel cheese "pod"

[D] Milk (1%)

[Nightfood bar] (x 2)

[W] 5 cups (including tea w/ creamer)

It always catches me up short when I have occasion to realize that my communication with God goes both ways. It seems like I'm always yapping at Him, and I forget to listen, even though most of my prayers are centered around asking to know His will for me. Ironic, huh? Better discernment is my goal for this year, so I've got to work on the listening. And developing the patience to wait for Him to speak. Not to mention being aware enough of my own "stuff" to know when it's Him speaking and not my puny little ego.

Take this morning. I was sitting up in bed, all comfy, saying my prayers (for discernment, etc.), journaling, and starting some Bible reading in preparation for church on Sunday. My roommate knocked on my door and then opens it with phone in hand. It's for me, but I've asked her before not to disturb me during my God time unless there's a fire or something else life threatening. So, I feel annoyed and exasperated, not exactly where I had hoped to be this morning. She tells me it's my friend, Thea, so I take the call. Turns out, Thea needed my help, and it only took me about 2 minutes to switch gears from my morning plans to God's morning plans for me and another minute or so to realize that He had shown me His will for that moment. I really like helping this particular friend; I get more from helping her than the help I give her, LOL. So, in the end it took me being willing, flexible (not my greatest skill), and aware, and the whole "transaction" between me and God took only a few minutes, so I'm definitely getting more clear! I hope I have more such experiences to share with you as my experiment progresses :-)

On a food note, I forgot a few days ago to build in my two snacks for the day, so I'm adding them to the food roster. Also, I've been eating Kashi bars (1) because Kashi cereal is an "allowed" food and (2) because sugar is way down on the ingredient list. However, I think I'm going to ditch them because they count as two more starches in a day, and that's double the amount I normally have. As I said in a previous post, this experiment isn't about weight loss, but I'd be stupid to ask for trouble in that department. 

See you tomorrow!

01/20/11: Listening to my Body

Yesterday's food:

01/19/11: Bed at 4:00 am (on 1/19)/up at 10:45 am

God time? Yes

11:00 pm to 4:00 am: *+100-calorie cookies (x 2 packs), *+raw cookie dough (x 2 strips), brown rice w/ butter

[P] Egg white

[P] Pork chop

[V] Carrots, onions, and celery

[V] X

[V] X

[F] Apple

[F] Prunes (x 8)

[F] X

[S] Brown rice

[S] Kashi cereal

[D] Milk (1%)

[D] X

[Nightfood bar] X

[W] three cups (including tea with creamer)

See how the staying up too late leads to snacking at night as well as poor food choices the following day (see above food list)? I can't believe how interrelated they are for me. Way too much starch and two few veggies and fruits.

What did I do differently today? Nothing today, really, but yesterday, probably for the very first time in my 50 years, I stopped eating dinner when I was full and left food on the plate (which I finished today for lunch). I was never raised with the "think of all the starving children in Africa" guilt trip, but I somehow evolved into eating all of the food on my plate irregardless of how I felt physically. In fact, I don't usually pay attention to how I feel before I put the food on my plate. My body has so much wisdom to offer me. I wonder why I don't listen to it very often? I just never seem to have time to slow down and spend some time in and with my body. I think I need to slow my life down a bit to get some body-listening (and learning) time in. I do it sometimes, but then time gets away from me, and I start feeling crowded by the things that have to get done in a day . . . another good reason to sit down and listen to my innate body wisdom.

How do you find time to listen to your body?

01/19/11: If Nothing Changes, Nothing Changes

Another three days' worth of food:

01/18/11: Bed at 10:30 pm/up at 6:45 am

God time? Yes

[P] Egg white

[P] Sausage

[P] Pork chop

[V] String beans w/ carrots

[V] Brussels sprouts

[V] Carrots w/ onions

[F] Apple

[F] Polaner All-Fruit

[F] Polaner All Fruit

[S] Kashi cereal (w/ skim milk)

[S] Brown rice

[S] Ezekiel English muffin (w/ Polaner All Fruit)

[S] *100-calorie cookies (x 2)

[D] Milk (1%, w/ Kashi)

[D] Plain yogurt

[Nightfood bar] X

[W] Four cups (including tea w/ creamer)

01/17/11: Bed at 10:30 pm/up at 6:30 am

God time? Yes

[P] Egg white

[P] Salmon

[S] Kashi

[S] *Cake (1 slice)

[F] Banana

[F] Apple

[F] X

[V] Salad

[V] Carrots

[V] Beets

[D] 1% milk

[D] 1% milk

[Nightfood bar] X

[W] Four cups

01/16/11: Bed at 10:30 pm/up at 6:45 am

God time? Yes (church and Bible study)

Tea w/ creamer (x 2)

Apple

Kashi w/ skim milk

*+Donut

Brown rice

Mixed string beans

Brussels sprouts

Flan

*+Lorna Doone 100-calorie snack pack (x 2)

Pop Secret popcorn (snack bag)

Vruit

Ezekiel English muffin with butter and Polaner All Fruit

Skim milk

Water (4 c, including tea)

Ooof, waiting three days between posts, tracking all the food involved (which often happens after the fact), and  leaving my post-writing until the evening all have me exhausted. So, I'm going to attempt to write my blog posts in the morning or the afternoon.

As you can see, I've added a new "macronutrient" element. When I've tried to go off sugar in the past, I've made up for it by eating lots of other types of food and have thus gained weight. Although weight is not my ultimate focus this time, I don't want to be stupid about it. My weight is best when I follow this plan daily: two servings of protein, three servings of (nonstarchy) veggies, three servings of fruit, two servings of dairy, two servings of starch, four to six glasses of water, and one snack.

No, I'm not going all "LA Weight Loss" or "Overeaters Anonymous" on you. It's just a balanced way to get the nutrients I actually need each day and gives me a visual way to track so I get all of them each day. Here's the key:

• [P] = protein; [V] = veggie; [F] = fruit; [S] = starch; [D] = dairy; [N] = Nightfood bar (i.e., snack); and [W] = water.
• If I have an additional serving, that entry is bolded.
• If I miss a serving, the entry is bolded and followed by an "X."
• If an entry contains sugar, it has an asterisk (*) in front to it.
• If an entry contains flour, it has a plus sign "+" in front of it.
• If an entry is purely sugar, for which there is no category (!), it will be bolded and italicized.

So, now you can see for yourself the extent of my compulsivity, LOL! I just need to harness it for my own good, not my own bad.

I'm also toying with adding a "what did I do differently today" part because if nothing changes, nothing changes. I have to do something other than what I always do in order to change the equation and thus the end result. What do you think?

I again stayed up until 4 am this morning and ate sugar and flour all the while. That's the same ol', same ol'. However, this morning, instead of blowing off the day, I did my normal routine, including my God time (which usually gets lost), my physical therapy exercises (which almost always get lost under any circumstances), ate a good breakfast, and now am catching up with my day by writing to you. So, I did interrupt my usual backsliding pattern for something better, and that can only have good results.

How about you? What did you do differently today?

01/16/2011: Climbing Back on the Horse

Three days' worth of food:

01/15/11: Bed at 10:30 pm/up at 9:45 am

Apple

Brown rice

Mixed-color string beans

Brussels sprouts

Plain yogurt w/ Polaner All Fruit

Zucchini w/ tomatoes and black olives

Chili w/ cheese

Flan (actually made with creamer; aren’t I lucky?)

Smart pop popcorn (snack bag)

*+Cookies

Nightfood bar

01/14/11: Up all day/bed at 10:30 pm

*Half bag of peanut M&Ms

*Luna bars (x 2)

01/13/11: Bed at 10:30 pm/up at 11:30 pm (same night; insomnia)

God time? Yes

Apple

Egg white

Tea w/ creamer

Kashi cereal w/ skim milk

*25 peanut M&Ms

Ezekiel English muffin w/ butter and Polaner All Fruit

Chili w/ melted cheese

Broccoli salad

Nightfood bar (x 2)

Skin milk

Man, it's been a bad few days. Sorry I disappeared on you. I had a slip/binge that knocked me fairly senseless for a few days. Y'all know I have intractable insomnia. Well, I make it worse by getting up and going on the computer, eating all the while, until the wee hours of the morning. Every once in a while, I literally just stay up through the next day, making it a 24-hour trip. But my body wasn't equipped for it this time, and my eating plan went right out the window. I'm back on track now, but I'm bloated from the sugar and flour I ate and generally feeling uncomfortable in my body. I didn't track my food at all, but I do remember eating a half bag of peanut M&Ms as well as two Luna bars that surreptitiously ended up in my mailbox (well . . . not really; I had ordered samples of a new flavor before I committed to this experiment).

Since my sleeping issues seem to be a huge trigger for my eating/addiction issues, I'm revising my initial rules to include sleep/wake boundaries as follows:

1. I will go to bed within 30 minutes of my 10:30 pm sleep schedule and will be up within 60 minutes of my 6:45 am wake schedule (unless I am ill). If my insomnia is extra bad, I will read or journal until I get tired. I will not go on the computer!

2. No white sugar and no white flour among the first five ingredients of the ingredient list (because I'm a compulsive sugar-eater to begin with, that is a very big restriction for me!).

3. Kashi cereal, Coffee-Mate, Nightfood bars, as well as stevia and sugar substitutes, are the only "allowables" (see below). 

4. If I find that the above items seduce me into eating white sugar and flour, I will cut them out, too. I will tell you when (and if) that happens.

5. All other food is fair game!

6. Each day, I will post what I ate the previous day, including quantities.

7. I will blog every day, unless I am ill (which, with lupus, is likely to happen from time to time).

It was hard to come to God this morning feeling much shame for my lack of self-control, and then I realized that this year, particularly this experiment, is about making amends to myself after years of accumulated self-neglect. In this way I also make amends to God for abusing the "temple" He gave me and for not being as well equipped as I could be to carry out His will. He knows, and I know, that it's about progress, not perfection.

See you tomorrow!

01/12/11: GOD = Good Orderly Direction

Yesterday's food:

01/10/11: Bed at 10:30 pm/up at 10:00 am

God time? Yes

Banana

Roast beef

Sausage

Onions

Sweet potato

Broccoli salad

Nightfood bar (x 3)

Skim milk (1/2 c)

Water (x 2)

I REALLY like to have my ducks in a row. A straight row. My day goes so much better when I'm up early, go straight into my God time, then to my work and medical stuff (appointments, etc.). I actually finished work before dinner tonight, which is unusual. I regularly work until 7:30 pm or so, but I'd like that to change.

I've heard before that the word "God" stands for "good orderly direction." "Do the next right thing." "Keep my head where my feet are." These ideas all help me stay in today, which is where God's grace works. They keep me from getting "scrambled" in my mind and body. If I'm doing something that doesn't really need doing, or thinking (i.e., worrying) about something to come or that may not ever come, then I'm somewhere else other than in my body in the here and now. And then I can't receive the guidance that I need from moment to moment.

It's been a struggle for me to be in my body, not just because of my food issues but also because of my lupus, my handicap, past covert sexual abuse, and loads of rage, fear, and anxiety. My body has not usually been a comfortable, let alone happy, place to be. But I've been working on it with someone I trust, and I'm getting better at it. I use a somatic technique called "somatic experiencing" to get back into my body and the Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) to calm myself down when there's too much going on inside (and lest you think I'm a wingnut, it works for me on a simply emotional level; I have my own doubts about the disease-curing claims).

I have a sensitive nervous system and tend to take in too much stimuli at once, somewhat like the emotional version of my compulsive eating and sugar addiction. It's actually interesting how they parallel each other. I have been using food to calm myself down, console myself, and celebrate my accomplishments. Now I want to find other ways to accomplish those things, but the means won't come until I clear out the food, literally.

It's like body feng shui (the clearing part). Wabi-sabi-ing myself.

01/11/11: Tolerating Feeling Good

Yesterday's food (and the day before):

01/10/11: Bed at 10:30 pm/up at 4:30 am

God time? No

Banana

Kashi cereal w/ skim milk (x 2)

Tea w/ creamer

Egg white

Apple

Kozy Shack SF tapioca pudding (x 2)

*McDonald’s Bacon Ranch Salad w/ grilled chicken and dressing

Pop Secret popcorn (x 1 snack bag)

Veggies w/ feta cheese

Brown rice

Nightfood bar (x 2)

Skim milk (1/2 c)

01/09/11: Bed at  5:00 am/up at 3:00 pm

God time? No

Banana

Pamela’s Gluten-Free Shortbread Cookies (agave; x 4)

Cozy Shack SF tapioca pudding

Water (3 c)

Salmon

Yams

Coleslaw

Broccoli salad

Nightfood bar

Skim milk (1/2 c)

Currently I'm making my way through the book of Matthew and trying to absorb its lessons for me. Thank God my Bible has good notes because the meaning of a lot of it eludes me. Why did Jesus have to speak in parables all the time? Why not be direct? It seems to have been something about sorting the believers (and thus interested in learning about The Way) from the disinterested. Well, I'm interested but still would prefer something more direct, LOL :-)

I'm still liking Ed Underwood's blog (much more religiously erudite than mine), so tonight it will earn a spot on my "Blogs I Follow" list to the right. I want to follow his outline for journaling with a spiritual focus. I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm struggling with recovering from the couple of really late nights I had last week, and my body is in a state of disequilibrium: I'm having a hard time waking up even though I've gone back to my sleep schedule.  Either that or I need less sleep medication than I have needed since 2006, which would be really great. However, I hesitate to attribute the latter to the relatively sugar-free life I've been living because it hasn't been long enough to establish a pattern (at least not in my experience).

The problem I'm having is common in addiction recovery: tolerating, and even courting, feeling good. Sounds counter intuitive, but if you feel addiction-bad all the time, you get used to it, and feeling good actually hurts or at least creates a lot of anxiety. So, my prayer of late has been to be able to tolerate feeling good so that I don't sabotage my quest to have a closer relationship with God.

As my Swiss relatives used to say, shlaf gut!

01/09/11: Please Name This Post

Yesterday's food:

01/08/11: Bed at 10:30 pm/up at 6:30 am

Coffee w/ creamer

Apple

Egg white

Kashi cereal w/ milk

Pamela’s Gluten-Free Ginger Cookies (molasses) (x 3)

Pamela’s Shortbread Cookies (agave) (x 4)

Skim milk (1 c)

Sugar-free Kozy Shack tapioca pudding

*Homemade apple pie (x 2 slices)

*French chocolate mints (x 4)

Chicken salad

Broccoli salad

Nightfood bar (x 3)

Skim milk (1/2 c)

Roast beef

Water (4 c)

God time? No

Ugh. I feel humbled and embarrassed for myself to be posting yesterday's food. See the grazing, right into Sugar-Land (no, not the country music group)? This is how it escalates into insanity and sleeplessness for me. After having white flour and sugar yesterday, I proceeded to stay up all night (went to bed at 5:00 am this morning) and woke up at 3:00 pm this afternoon. Of course, I ate horribly today because getting up that late makes me feel fuzzy in the head and I end up feeling rushed; taking care of myself properly is the first thing to go out the door. However, I said "no" to sugar that was offered to me tonight, and for that I am grateful and proud of myself. It's not easy to start my day over at any time, but sometimes all it takes to get back on track is a simple "no." Thank you, God, for giving me the grace to abstain today.

I've been (cautiously) reading a blog entitled "Ed Underwood: Radical Hope, Radical Chritianity." And I say "cautiously" because I don't yet know where he's coming from. But lately he's been talking about journaling as a spiritual discipline, and that's something I can get behind. And I like his phrasing of making an "appointment" with God. For me, when the sleep goes, quality wake time goes, the food goes, and my God time goes. So, actually, right now adhering to my sleep/wake schedule seems to be key.

Hope to see you tomorrow, sane and well-rested.

01/08/11: Destruction and Reception

Yesterday's food:

01/07/11: Bed at 10:30 pm/up at 6:30 am

God time? No

Banana

Cottage  cheese

Kashi cereal w/ milk

*McDonald’s Angus Snack Wrap

*Orange jellies (x 8)

Lightlife Shanghai Fried Rice entrée

Pamela’s Gluten-Free Ginger Cookies (molasses) (x 3)

Chicken salad

Soup

Broccoli salad

Nightfood bar (x 2)

Skim milk (1/2 c)

Despite having some candy yesterday, it was a good day. I didn't go way off track eating-wise, or get crazy-headed anxious, or stay up all night. Staying on my sleep schedule has been helpful . . . until today. I woke up early for a meeting at church, which was then cancelled because of snow, so I did a lot of grazing today albeit with sugar- and flour-free foods. Still, you'll see the compulsive aimless eating tomorrow when I post my food for the day.

So, technically I didn't go off plan, but it's interesting to see that the behavior is still there. Which is more important: the behavior or the drug of choice? Or, are they two sides of the same coin? Right now I'm looking for moderation of both, but I assume I'll do a lot of "pendulating" between them until I settle down in the middle.

Someone recently talked with me about the concept that the act of eating is an act of destruction. Since I'm all about the Chew, not so much the Swallow, that idea piqued my interest. I like to masticate; therefore, I like to destroy. All day, if possible. It got me to thinking about the connection between anger and overeating.

Although I've been up and down and all around my anger issues and have wrung them out pretty thoroughly, it might be worthwhile asking God to reveal to me any particular issues that might be driving my compulsive eating. And He's really good at giving me things that expand my consciousness if I ask for them (and sometimes when I don't), so you might here about this again in coming weeks or months.

What's important for me right now is to stop the behavior even though I haven't figured out it's cause. That's really hard for me; I prefer to work the other way around, thank you very much. But it's Gods plan in God's time, so I'll put it out there and try to become receptive.

Have a good night :-)

01/07/11: God As Process

Yesterday's food:

01/06/11: Bed at 10:30 pm/up at 8:00 am

Banana

Apple

Egg white

Kashi cereal w/ skim milk

*McDonald’s Angus Snack Wrap

Pop Secret popcorn (x 1 snack bag)

Stuffed cabbage

Plain yogurt w/ Polaner All Fruit

Nightfood bar (x 2)

Skim milk (1/2 c)

Water (5 c)

Hi everyone <waves>. Or maybe that should read just "one," LOL. Food shopping went pretty well today. I craved after the orange jellies in the candy aisle, so I bought and ate eight of them. It doesn't seem to have triggered any cravings, at least not today. Normally I would start slacking onward to sugardom after doing that, but I'm trying to take each "slip" (planned or not) as it comes and treat it as a one-time occurrence, not another shimmering pearl on the necklace of sugar insanity. I ate a bit more today than I have been since starting the experiment, or maybe I just feel more full, but I find that I definitely feel better when I'm a hair's breadth away from hunger than having that awful overstuffed and bloated feeling I usually live with. I continue to feel a bit tired when I wake up in the morning, even after sleeping well, and I attribute that to coming off the white sugar and flour.

I wanted to tell you about another resource I use to connect with God, and that's a book called Starting Your Day Right: Devotions for Each Morning of the Year by Joyce Meyer. Her devotions, which start off with a Bible verse (of course) are succinct, pragmatic, and down-to-earth. Nothing smarmy, cheesy, or Pollyanna-ish here. Not pious or preachy, either. Just very useful thoughts on the Bible passage of the day.

Lest any of you think that I might be a Bible-thumping, proselytizing, pious, preachy type of Christian, I'm not. It's important for me to communicate with God in a meaty, real kind of way. He hears the tears, the curses, the pleas, the ugly rants, everything. I cannot hold myself back for God once I start connecting, and it's the "starting" part that's been eluding me; hence, this experiment.

My adult Bible study at church is doing a college-level survey of the New Testament, and there's HOMEWORK! To get the most out of this course, I'm going to have to read two chapters in the New Testament each day, one book at a time. I imagine that will bring me much closer to the Lord, and I'm loving my pastor and the other people in the class, so I consider this a good thing I'm doing to improve my relationship with God.

By the way, I also do not care a whit whether or not you have a Higher Power or what you call Him, Her, or It. Although I use the terms "God," "Lord," etc. here, deep inside I believe that God is an ongoing, everlasting process of growing, healing, and learning to love myself and others. It just facilitates communication to use terms that a lot of people are familiar with. Feel free to tell me about your Higher Power and what you imagine Him (Her or It) to be.

I leave you, until tomorrow . . . adieu (to God).

01/06/11: My Mind Is Blank

Yesterday's (and the day before's) food:

01/05/11: Bed at 10:30 pm/up at 9:00 am

Banana

Tea w/ creamer (x 2)

Apple

Egg white

Kashi w/ skin milk

Brown rice

Corn & veggie mix

Chicken w/ veggies

Broccoli

*Gumballs (x 17)

Nightfood bar (x 3)

Skim milk (1/2 c)

Water (5 c)

01/04/11: Bed at 5:30 am/up at 12:00 pm

Walnuts and dried cherries (early am)

Diet ginger ale (early am)

Fruit cocktail w/ natural juice (early am)

Banana

Brown rice

Corn & veggie mix

Walnuts & dried cherries

Kashi w/ skim milk

Stuffed cabbage

Water (2 c)

I apologize for not writing yesterday. I was hoping for a "perfect" run with daily blogging, but I should know better by now, LOL. The only thing I can be is perfectly imperfect. Only God is perfect. Just so you know, I was taking care of myself by not writing.

I was telling someone today that my mind has been unusually blank when it comes time to write a blog post. She said, "Well, why not write about that?" It reminds me of when I was early in my therapy career. My therapist at hat time was Tom Sexton (ironically, I ended up working with him later on when I was a drug and alcohol counselor at Mirmont Rehab), and he taught me the Great Fake-Out (my name for it, not his). He had asked me something important about my inner thoughts, to which I replied, "I don't know." Then 

He asked me really fast, "What would you say if you did know?" And out it popped, an answer that was crucial to my process at the time. I still use that on myself when I feel stuck about something going on internally. It doesn't always work, but it often does :-)

So, I have been blanking out when it comes time to write here. Now my mind is usually never blank. I'm a pretty deep thinker and like synthesizing and filtering down ideas, respectively, to either create new ones or to get down to the heart of a particular one. But it seems like cutting out the white sugar and flour may be changing that in preparation for me to have a new way of thinking. I like my mind as it is now, but I'm willing to be changed by God. And that's what this whole shebang is about after all!

On another note, I tried a gluten-free cookie today that was sweetened with molasses. I did have some hesitation in thinking that it might lead me to crave, but it didn't (at least not today). Tomorrow is food-shopping day, so I'll be faced with lots of temptation. Wish me luck, will you?

01/04/2011: Act, Don't React

Yesterday's food:

01/03/11: Bed at 2:00 am/up at 12: 00 pm

*Ice cream (2 T) (early am)

*Lorna Doon cookies (x 2 snack bags; early am) and skim milk (early am)

Kashi cereal w/ skim milk (early am)

Yogurt w/ Polaner All Fruit (early am)

Coffee w/ creamer

Egg white

Brown rice

Corn & veggie mix

Apple

Swiss steak

Broccoli salad

Water (2 c)

Here's what I was talking about in yesterday's post. I didn't eat a lot of sugar yesterday, but nevertheless it breached the commitment I made to myself to abstain from white sugar and white flour. I was really disappointed in my choice to give in to cravings, but I did forgive myself and climb back on the wagon.

I'm actually quite proud of myself (and grateful for God's help) that although I was up all night again last night, I didn't eat a speck of white sugar (didn't even crave it), which shows you the cunning nature of sugar (or any) addiction. A year or two ago, it could have fooled me into thinking, "Oh, I don't really have a problem. I have this under control."

But sugar addiction is a liar and a trickster, and I am starting to recognize that and respond accordingly. For me, it's about acting, not reacting. I've used sugar for such a long time to quiet anger, anxiety, and fear and to celebrate happiness. But now I need to break that hand-to-mouth action and start making different choices to deal with my feelings (and I have quite a few in my arsenal; it just seems easier to eat the sugar). Sugar is a close companion of mine, but it's not a good friend at all. I need to fire it.

See you tomorrow, I hope.

01/03/11: Progress, Not Perfection

Yesterday's food:

01/02/11: Bed at 2:00 am/up at 12:00 pm

Apple

Egg white (x 2)

Kashi cereal w/ skim milk

Nightfood bar

Tea w/creamer

Brown rice

Corn & veggie mix

Fresh pineapple

Riceworks chips

Banana

Salad w/ *dressing

Ham

Pop Secret popcorn (x 1 snack bag)

Kashi cereal (x 2 bowls)

Water 4 c (including tea)

PT exercise? No

Hello, all (or maybe that should be "anyone," LOL). I must confess: I went off my abstinence plan (you'll see the food list tomorrow). It was a direct consequence of not going to bed on schedule and instead seducing myself into cruising the Internet (Facebook et al.) and eating. Plus the chewing/sugar cravings were really kicking in, and I gave in (more about this process later).

Usually, when I go on a "diet" and fall off, I say "screw it" (literally) and stuff myself silly. Typical addict black-and-white thinking: "If I can't do it perfectly the first time and forever after, then I might as well not do it at all." Global, all-or-nothing thinking. One of my many shortcomings. 

But, as I promised, I got right back on it today, even though it ended up being an awkward eating day. 

Recently I read The Taming of the Chew: A Holistic Guide to Stopping Overeating by Denise Lamothe. She explains that beating yourself up about overeating only perpetuates the problem and that the first step in stopping overeating is to forgive yourself right away and start over, an idea that resonated deeply with me. It's about progress, not perfection.

She also encourages a healthy relationship with your body (i.e., listening to it, attending to it, etc.), which sounds pretty corny as I write it, but if you're ready to hear that message, it's quite effective. Plus it has more spiritual implications if you think of your body as being God's temple, which I am beginning to do. It's finally hit me, right in my gut (no pun intended) that I'm a really sucky temple keeper! And that's where I have to start, with the truth. In the spirit of the Chew, I hereby forgive myself and am getting back on the abstinence wagon :-). 

Come and keep me company, will you? Please leave a comment or question so I know you're still here!