December 20, 2011: Last Call

I'm feeling poignantly sad writing my last post here, especially since I've been dealing with mild depression during the past two weeks or so. However, I've come full circle with this experiment, and it feels time to end it.

By "full circle," I mean that I am once again eating white sugar and flour. This most likely has something to do with the recurrence of my depression, yet I feel stuck in my "patterns" this Christmas season. I also don't feel very "Christmas-y" this year, and this sentiment has been echoed by various friends and even their children. The re-eating started at Halloween as I succumbed to Peeps and started bringing white flour and sugar into the house, eating it, and not tracking it. However, I've gained only 2 pounds since the "official" start of the Christmas season, i.e., Thanksgiving. My lost weight has not been easily won, so I now am back to tracking and realizing if I just stay away (again!) from the foods that cause me so much trouble, life can be good.

Despite having come back to the place from which I stated this blog and experiment, I do so with new and strengthened awareness and insight, tools, and initiation of carrying out what I feel is God's will for me, namely, starting the Al-Anon and recovery Bible study group.

Awareness and Insight

• I really do want to do God's will for me. It's not and "I should do it" but an "I'm excited to do it" awareness. I am thoroughly convinced, despite my intellectual masturbation to the contrary, that carrying out God's will for me is the only way I will ever be truly happy. I am willing to surrender myself to it.
• Eating white sugar and flour does really increase the level of pain in my body. I now think it may also contribute to my preexisting depression. It will be hard to get back to that abstinence stage, but I did it once and I can do it again with God's help. Maybe re-reading portions of my own blog will help me to get back on track.
• Spending more time in prayer and meditation has enabled me to better discern my Higher Power's will for me and has empowered me to carry it out, much to my surprise.
• Eating white flour and sugar does block up the channel in my body through which God and I communicate. I can feel it having gone downhill since I resumed eating white sugar and flour, and it seems to be keeping me stuck there, too. I know that the hibernating season has something to do with my state of mind and will, but the food enemies do as well. My gut tells me so.

Tools

• Self-talk: I talk to myself differently now. I know that beating myself up for having a slip will not get me back into abstinence faster. It will only make me fall deeper into the black hole inside me.
• De-isolating: Isolating is not really an option for me anymore. Staying by myself and eating myself into a stupor that cancels out my feelings doesn't work, and I know it. I've done more self-numbing in the past month or so than I've done all year, but being a deacon and starting the Al-Anon meeting and the recovery Bible study have gotten me out of the house and with fellow humans, which has kept me from going off the deep end.
• Meditation: I'm still experimenting with resuming my twice-per-day transcendental meditation practice, but it's been a struggle. I do recognize that it connects me with the home inside myself, where my Higher Power also abides, but my mind keeps talking me out of doing it by telling that I have so much "other" stuff to do. I hope my gut wins out on this one because I think this could be a very good tool for me going forward.

 Accomplishing God's Will for Me

• Deaconship: I learned that I did not like being a deacon! That's a very valuable awareness for me. I affirmed that I don't like being "required" to connect with people mainly through small talk. I resented having to send chatty notes to people (usually elderly people with whom I have difficulty connecting anyway) or having to make chatty visits. I liked the "honor" of being a deacon but not the nuts and bolts. I'm really learning to honor my introversion and respect what that particular set of gifts can lead me to do.
• Al-Anon group: Although starting this group has been stressful in terms of having to communicate a lot with a lot of people and worrying about it, the worrying part was my choice, not a given. I had a hard time detaching from the worry, but now that the group is taking off (we have 15 to 25 members each week) and we just elected all the group officers and every position is filled, I'm starting to relax and enjoy the group :-)
•  Recovery Bible study: Even though this group is still very small, I feel that this is where I really shine at being used by a tool of God. I am an extremely good, non-judgmental listener, and I love serving as a witness to, and possible helper for, people's personal stories of pain, addiction, loneliness, and shame. I truly believe that I have a lot to offer because I have journeyed through my own hell and back; nothing surprises me, so there is nothing to be judgmental about. Every time we have a meeting, I come away feeling like I made a difference in someone's life, even if that was never expressed. And I allow myself to be moved by others as well. I feel at home doing this and hope that the group gets off the ground. I finally spent some time marketing the study yesterday and today, specifically for the New Year, and I pray that we get good results :-)

All in all, although I'm disappointed I did not keep up with the daily posting I promised myself I would do, this ending feels organic to me, and that's the most important thing. Better I should end with God's will in mind than to carry out a hollow promise based on what I "think I should do" because Lord knows my mind often leads me in the wrong direction! I can't say that I will never post here again because it may help me to do so sometime in the future. But this blog will be fairly inactive as far as I can see. I'm not going to take it down, though, because I'm proud of how well it worked at accomplishing my ends, plus I never throw out my journals, even if they are electronic :-)

Here's to a happy and solid recovery to you, no matter what your addiction or idolatry!

Saturday, November 12, 2011: A Lame Post (No, That's Not "Lamppost")

Hi all,

This is going to be a fairly lame post because I'm fried from cleaning today, and nothing much has happened this week. I still haven't received much work, and I don't know what that's about. When you're a freelancer, you don't get any kind of  "review," yearly or otherwise, and the way you get "fired" is that the client just stops sending you work. Grant it, this particular client seems to be firing me in dribs and drabs, which makes it kind of confusing.

In all actuality, it's like dating someone for a long time (I've been with this client since 2003) and then getting dumped. I'm choosing to deal with this first by riding out then end of the year. Even when the economy is up, this time of year is not a good one to actively search for employment. I'll certainly keep my ear low to the ground to see if I can catch any leads, but I won't be cold-calling any time soon. This is actually a good time to get some personal business taken care of, like having my will redone, cleaning and organizing my office, and so forth. I'm also going to use this part of the winter to nest and hibernate, hopefully to cook up a new plan for my work life. I've daydreamed lightly about pursuing other careers, like becoming a therapist or life coach (nebulous as that latter title seems), learning how to make shoes (yes!), or just researching the journals and books I would really like to edit. So, I'm actually hoping that I don't get much work so I can cocoon and see what kind of butterfly I become.

I've also contemplated theta it might be good just to stay an editor but hone my speed and marketability. I have a lot of ideas and resources on how to do that; I just haven't had the time or energy to act on them:

1. Learn how to keyboard (I think this used to be called "typing," LOL), not just hunt and peck.

2. Learn how to use Macro Express (a macro program) more thoroughly.

3. Rejoin the Editorial Freelancers Association. I let my membership lapse last year (when work was plenty) to see if I missed it. I haven't, but membership is kind of necessary to keep up with the trade.

4. Ditch this old computer and buy a laptop.

5. Look into other aspects of editing I might enjoy, like desktop publishing.

6. Go over some marketing DVDs I have and work up a marketing campaign for next year.
7. Update my resume (d'uh; this should have been the first point).

In the meantime, I've put the kibosh on using my credit card, which I do way too much for someone who is now barely employed. Somehow being on Weight Watchers makes this easier to do :-) And speaking of which, despite thinking I haven't been having a very good week this week in terms of following my eating plan, I managed to lose a pound!

Everything is also going well with the recovery Bible study and the new Al-Anon group, although I'm a little worried about people not getting involved to chair meetings, hold offices, etc., i.e., all the things that make up a normal healthy Al-Anon meeting. I guess if it folds, it folds. I've pretty much done all that I'm willing to do (except holding an office myself). Beyond that, as goes Al-Anon's Step One, I'm powerless over what does or does not happen.

See you next week!

Saturday, November 5, 2011: A Day Early But Still a Dollar Short, LOL!

Sunday, October 30, 2011: This week was pretty uneventful. I kept checking in with my body to see what it felt like to lose 10 pounds. Not much different, but just knowing it was a relief. I have a lot of half-pound weights at home. I've put the equivalent amount of weight that I want to lose in one bag and am transferring to another bag the equivalent amount of weight I've lost. Physically (i.e., when I pick up the bag), a pound, no less 10 pounds, physically feels like much more weight than the number itself conjures in my mind. It's a relief to know I'm on my way to making my goal weight of 140 pounds (maybe less). See today's entry for boggglement and confusion, though.

Monday,  October 31, 2011: What can I say? It was a day. Still continuing throughout the week to stay within the "regular" 29 points range. Signed up at the YMCA for two personal training sessions to get advice on different ways to work my core muscles.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011: It was another day. Started to get nervous about the Al-Anon meeting starting up on Friday night.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011: Yet another day. More obsessing and worrying.

Thursday, November 3, 2011: More of the same. Didn't think much about sugar, flour, or weight loss though. Decide to play around around again with meditating twice a day and am fairly successful :-)

Friday, November 4, 2011: Put together the resources I needed to take to the new Al-Anon meeting: binder with opening and closing, basket for collection money, pen, and book to record telephone list at each meeting. I let the outcome up to God now; I did my footwork. Was flabbergasted that we had a total of 22 people, including myself and the speaker, attend a 6:30 pm meeting! I knew my Al-Anon district needed a Friday night meeting, but I didn't think I'd get many people for a 6:30 to 7:30 time slot. Then again, maybe some of the people just came out of curiosity. I hope not though. Now I'm worrying about getting another chairperson for December (I've done more than my part, and it's time for someone else to step up to the plate). When will I get it through my head that I don't have to worry? Just ask God for what I need; do the footwork; and let go of the outcome. After all, He did put a woman at the meeting whom I had wanted to speak at the meeting on the third Friday but whose phone number I had lost and voila! I now have the speaker I wanted :-) Gad, why do I even bother to worry? Mental masturbation? Nah, just my control issues popping up again. BTW, the "dollar short" in the post title refers to the fact that I've now gone a second (nonconsecutive) week without work. I refuse to worry about that, too. I know how to market myself to new clients; I just need to come up with a campaign and do it. I hate it, but just for today, I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I felt that I had to keep it up for a lifetime! Had my weekly mini-binge, but since I didn't use many of my extra points, it was a minor event :-)

Today, Saturday, November 5, 2011: According to the Weight Watcher's scale I stepped on today, I gained 2.2 pounds this week. There was much confusion because I forgot my log-in weight booklet, and my info is not stored on the computer, so my teacher and the other gal there today were trying to log me into the computer (something they obviously don't do very often), and they initially had me at a weight loss of 5.8 pounds! I knew that absolutely wasn't right, so they weighted me again and came up with a weight, which when I put the sticker in my booklet at home and compared it with last week's weight, was 2.2 pounds heavier. I don't think that's right either, so I'm going to take a gander at my weight on my home scale tomorrow, just for a "reality check." I guess I'll have to wait for next week to see what the scale really says!

TTYNW!  (Talk to you next week)

Tuesday, October 25, 2011: A Day Late and a Dollar Short

Hi all. Here are the highlights of this past week:

Saturday, 10/22/11: Lost 1.4 pounds at my Weight Watchers weigh in. I finally start dreaming of reaching my first 10-pound weight loss goal. Didn't exercise because it was the weekend.

Sunday, 10/23/11: After Saturday's success, I made the decision to try working with the "normal" 29 points instead of adding in my Points Plus values every day. It's become a game for me to see if I can stay within my food budget AND make my daily macronutrient goals. Guess what? I did it (for most of the week). Didn't exercise because it was the weekend. Had an awesome speaker for the recovery Bible study, our first speaker on our 4-week anniversary date :-)

Monday, 10/24/11: Thought of how losing my excess poundage will actually be like returning home to myself. Just as recovery and therapy have helped me get back a large bit of who I used to be, my body is tagging along to fit the rest of the new "old" me. Swam for 50 minutes!

Tuesday, 10/25/11: Worked on getting stuff together for the new Al-Anon meeting starting this Friday night. Otherwise nothing special. No exercise today.

Wednesday, 10/26/11: Went totally off plan with Peeps pumpkins and ghosts as well as a Reese's pumpkin. Think about ending my white sugar-and-flour (Fiber One brownie bars) binge. No exercise :-( Had my second Benlysta infusion.

Thursday, 10/27/11: Work begins on installing a new air-conditioning system in our house. Because the floors are all draped with drop cloths, which I can't walk on at all, I'm pretty much trapped inside. Too many ladders and working men around to do my physical therapy floor exercises, so no exercise again today.

Friday, 10/28/11: Trapped in the house again but happy that we will have more efficient airco next year and a new programmable heat thermostat for this winter :-)

Today, Tuesday, November 1, 2011: This morning (it actually started last night; I like to get a head start, LOL), I had an anxiety melt-down about the recent slow down in my editorial work as well as the new Al-Anon meeting: thinking I was going about it all wrong, that no one would show up, and that it would close within the month. Since the Al-Anon meeting was more immediate than finding a solution to the lack-of-work problem, I decided to put my focus there. It was challenging to "therapy" myself through something like this, but today I did it. I made extra time to spend with God; used a cool concordance my pastor gave us recently, in which I looked up helps for anxiety and read them; journaled about my thoughts and feelings; told my sponsor what was going on; and made the decision to go to my Tuesday Al-Anon meeting and share my thoughts and feelings, which was very helpful. I ended up getting a lot of encouragement, which felt great. Also lined up my first and second speakers for the month. 

I'm trying to exercise my faith muscles, and my Higher Power helped me talk myself down off the ledge today :-) See you this weekend.

October 22, 2011: I Will Not Beat Myself Up!

Hi all,

No food today, not because I haven't been tracking but just because I just plain don't feel like it. I've been struggling with not wanting to continue this blog versus wanting to keep my promise to myself at the beginning of the year. It reminds me of getting caught up in love, not legalism. Also, up until rather recently, I was doing very well with not eating white flour and sugar, but in the past month I've been seduced by Peep pumpkins and Fiber One brownie bars, which are great for my digestion but not so much for the joints. I've definitely notice an increased pain level in my body, and it seemed to show up after I had my first Benlysta infusion. I was probably being hyper-vigilant for early changes (it could take up to 6 months before I know if it's helping or not), but the timing also coincided with a few weeks of increased sugar and flour consumption. I have been allowing myself "binges," but just on the weekend, but it escalated to at least once during the week, too. So, although I feel as if keeping this blog has helped me to increase my conscious contact with God and carry out His will (the Bible study will be four weeks old tomorrow, and the new Al-Anon meeting launches November 4th), I feel like I'm slipping in the mechanics of abstinence, so I think it would be better for me to keep going with it even though I've been resisting. I really don't want to fall down the rabbit hole again!

On the weight loss front, I must be doing something right because I lost 1.4 pounds today per my weekly Weight Watchers weigh-in. That would be awesome if I didn't have the symptom of increased pain. So, it really just shows that although I'm within my points range, I'm eating the wrong types of food. My addiction has been reactivated simply through my laziness and perhaps complacency, and I feel sad for that. Maybe if I admit this at the recovery Bible meeting tomorrow night, it will help. I can give it a try. I have nothing to lose.

Here are some of the options I have considered for keeping this blog on reasonable (i.e., it works with my increasingly busy life) long-term basis:

1. Blog but eliminate logging the food

2. Keep logging the food but blog only once a week

3. Close the blog

The last one feels "drastic" to me and offers me no closure. The first one feels superfluous. It eliminates an important element of the experimental equation, no matter how dreary it is to do. The middle option seems to be the best to me right now, so I'm going to go with it. Publishing one blog post once a week (most probably on the weekend) feel doable to me. However, I have to think of a way to log the highlights (and lowlights) of my week, perhaps by coding them somehow in my tracker and then transposing them here. I like to work with colored markers and highlighters, so this might work for me :-)

I'll give it a try, OK? Look for my posts on a Saturday or Sunday (if anyone is actually reading) :-)

October 1, 2011: Tooth Extraction = Ouch!

Yesterday's food:


God time? No

Exercise? Yes (housecleaning)

Points: 38/36

[P]

[P]

[V]

[V]

[V or F]

[F]

[F]

[St]

[St]

[D] Wawa F'Real chocolate milkshake

[D] Chobani yogurt
[D] Chobani yogurt
[D] Edy's milkshake
[D] Edy's milkshake

[Sn]

[Sn]

[Nightfood bar] No

[W] Two cups

Oy-freakin'-vey. I had four teeth extracted yesterday (and, yes, I opted for "twilight" anesthesia). I wasn't allowed to eat anything but cold, soft food yesterday; hence, all the bolded food categories (even though I didn't have a choice in this situation). I'm actually pretty amazed that I could eat all that sugar and just go over by 2 points on my eating plan.

The surgery went pretty well, and afterward my roommate took photos of me with gauze stuffed in my cheeks and sticking out of my mouth like fangs. We sent a photo to my brother, and he texted back, "Does she have rabies?" which gave all of us, including the dentist, a good laugh. I came home smiling despite the pain I was feeling, and that is truly a gift of my being closer with my Higher Power. In general, I've been noticing an increased capacity to laugh at my life situations instead of taking everything with dreaded seriousity [sic], and I know that's a fruit of the spirit even if it's not actually in the Bible, LOL.

Speaking of the Bible, the recovery Bible study I'm co-leading starts tomorrow night, and I'm feeling nervous despite having prayed on it. A wise person once told me that nervousness becomes excitement if you breathe into it, so that's what I'm going to work on tonight. There's a certain amount of "getting ready" that hasn't been accomplished yet, and might not get done before tomorrow night, so this is also a chance for me to just answer God's calling in my life by suiting up and showing up, doing the best I can, and then letting go and letting God take care of the rest. Good thing I don't mind flying by the seat of my pants once in a while :-)

I found the culprit to my stalled weight loss over the past 8 weeks or so: I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray. I love that stuff as much as sugar. On the nutrition label it says one serving has no calories, no fat, and 1% of the daily value for sodium . . . when you use only 5 sprays, which is one serving. Five sprays amounts to about a quarter of a teaspoon (yes, I tested it). Doesn't work so well when I pour, not spray, it on by the quarter-cupful. In my mind and stomach, vegetables are merely a vehicle for butter (or something like it). Problem was, I was consuming about 1.5 times the RDA for sodium (1500 mg) several times each day (I have to eat a certain amount of veggies daily on the Weight Watchers plan). Simply put, I was retaining water. I cut my use of ICBITB spray way down and lost 1.5 pounds last week. I wish I had asked my group leader about my problem earlier, but as usual I had to think at first that I could solve my plateau on my on. Just goes to show you that two heads are sometimes better than one, LOL.

So, that's all for now. I'm sure I'll be blogging about tomorrow night's experience of the Bible study. Until then, take care.

September 15, 2011: Feeling Sheepish and Guilty

God time? Yes

Exercise? Yes (PT)

Points: 32/36

[P] Chicken sausage

[P] Hamburger (plain, no bun)

[V] Carrots

[V] Carrots
[V] V-8 juice
[V] Green olives

[V or F] Broccoli

[F] Apple

[F] Pineapple

[St] Kashi

[St] Pretzels

[D] Skim milk

[D] X

*+[Sn] Fiber One brownie

*+[Sn] Fiber One brownie
+[Sn] Half Klondike bar and 1/w *+Fiber One brownie

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] Five cups (!)

Dang, I haven't blogged here in such a long time! I feel sheepish (b-a-a-a-a) and guilty. I am so weary of keeping this blog, and I've been dragging my feet to write posts.  I am very much looking forward to the end of this year when I can quit this. I need to think on what I want to do with my writing when it's all done. I hate to leave up an untended blog, so I'll probably print off the posts for my records (I keep everything I've ever written, LOL) and then delete the whole thing. I may leave it up for a while, though, just to have a feeling of personal accomplishment. It's very clear that no one is actually reading this :-)

On the whole, despite feeling guilty about not keeping my commitment to write every day, I'm doing very well. I finally broke through a 4-week plateau on Weight Watchers (just a half pound, but hey) only to plateau again last week. However, I think I've lost weight this week. I've finally been back to the pool, and it felt so good. I like exercising regularly now.

I feel like it time to do a quarterly "inventory" of my progress with this experiment, but I'll save that for another day. I'm beat from work, but I'm mentally, emotionally, and physically feeling much better than I was in my "stabby" post from last week. I think all I'll say inventory-wise right now is that since the beginning of the year, I've written 96 days out of a possible 258, yielding a post rate of 37% Pretty slovenly, but there's been a lot of growth going on behind the scenes as a result of doing this experiment, and I'll see if I can get that post rate up to or over 50% by the end of the year!

September 2, 2011: Feeling Stabby

Yesterday's food:

God time? No

Exercise? No

Points: 36/36

[P] Chicken sausage

[P] Tuna

[V] Brussels sprouts

[V] Celery

[V or F] X

[F] Apple

[F] X

[St] Kashi

[St] X

[D] Skim milk

[D] Skim milk

[Sn] Fiber One bar

[Sn] Nightfood bar
[Sn] Jelly Belly jellybeans

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] Four cups

Aaaaaaaaaaaargh! Blaaaaaaargh! It has been one of those days. I am so freaking sick and tired of being handicapped and am so angry at God for letting this happen to me. I haven't had any work come in for two days, and it sucks to start the month with a page-quota deficit. And I haven't been swimming due to the pain I've been in since I underwent a total of 5 or 6 root canals this past week. I've just had it up to here! Will fall never come, dagnabbit? The heat in these parts is making me lose my mind on top of everything else. Grrrrrrrr <shakes it all off like a dog shaking off water>. Snork, slork, snurp, brrrrt.

OK, thanks for letting me get that out of my system. I'm so glad that I can have an honest relationship with my Higher Power and don't feel like I have to stuff my emotions about our relationship. I cursed Him up and down today because that's how I get sometimes. I get so bleeping sick of being handicapped, and sometimes I wonder why I'm being "punished" like this. Then I remember that it's all part of His (seemingly f^#@ed-up) plan for me, and it's my job to pray to know His will for me, and the power to carry it out, so I can make something good and worthwhile come out of my suffering and difficulty and struggles. I just hope that when I'm on my deathbed, I can look back and truly say that I have had a good life and not be bitter and resentful. That would be the worst thing of all.

Because of the pain I've been having and the subsequent pain medication (Percoset), my sleeping pattern have gotten really"off," and I haven't been swimming because my sleeping has been out of whack. I think the lack of exercise getting to me: I have come to rely on it to move my chi and help me keep up with my life and live it actively. Instead, I've fallen back into my usual passivity, which feels odd to me now. I feel "stuck" on getting done some the things I need to do, which would be easy now since I don't have any work. Blech.

So, what can I leave you with so that reading this blog post isn't a complete waste of your time? The best thing I could come up with this afternoon, after I cooled off, was H. A. L. T. When I'm feeling like I want to jump out of my skin or like someone set off a strobe light in my brain, I have to ask myself: Am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? If I am one or more of those things, I have to eat something nourishing, get my anger out in a healthy way (like I did with God earlier), call a friend, and/or lie down/nap/sleep. Then, after I've taken care of my basic human needs, I can start my day over again. So, I took a shower, ate dinner, watched an adorable episode of Millionaire Matchmaker (my newest guilty pleasure), and now I'm finishing this post. Things seem back in perspective now. Thanks for listening and reading :-)

August 30, 2011: Talking Addict to Addict

Yesterday's food:

God time? Yes

Exercise? Yes

Points: 37/38 (2 extra base points earned from exercise)

[P]  Chicken sausage

[P] Pork

[V] Carrots

[V] Carrots

[V or F]  Brussels sprouts

[F] Apple

[F] X

[St] Kashi

[St] Noodles (in homemade pork lo mein)
[St] Peas and water chestnuts (in homemade pork lo mein)

[D] Skim milk

[D] Yogurt

[Sn] Fiber One brownie

[Sn] Fiber One brownie
[Sn] SF Klondike ice cream sandwich
[Sn] WhoNu? cookies (x 9!)

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] Four cups

Whew; I'm exhausted. I've been dealing with a lot of dental pain/dental appointments over the past 10 days and trying to keep up with my work, so that's why P haven't been blogging. On a happier note. I've been doing really well with my Weight Watchers program and feel confident that I lost some weight last week even though I didn't go to my Saturday meeting because of tooth pain. I feel like I'm back on track now, and it's mainly due to a conversation I had last week with someone close to me who is a recovering alcoholic and drug addict.

I shared with him how I had plateaued on Weight Watchers and how I was counting (and rationalizing) my points and possibly overcounting my activity points. He said to me, "You're talking just like an addict." That comment caught me up short because although I know his story, and I've mentioned mine, he's never been that blunt and to-the-point with me before. He shared some of the ways he used to try to control his drinking and how they had failed, and then he made some suggestions.

In addition, although I had missed the Weight Watchers meeting, my roommate had brought back the weekly leaflet, the topic of which was plateauing. It had a quiz to determine how I might be sabotaging my program, and I answered "yes" to at least three or four of them. Then it had suggestions on how to get back on plan for each point where I was failing. Between the talk and the leaflet, I feel like I've found some of the patterns, most of them based in laziness and "familiarity," where I'm not working the program to my utmost. I'm also now using a spiral-bound tracker that I bought at my last meeting. It has more room to write in and track various elements, and I'm tracking more conscientiously and fastidiously now and without resentment or boredom! Tomorrow or later this week I'll get back to swimming, too.

So, what conversation or printed material has helped you this week? Please comment and let me know -:-)

August 20, 2011: Grief and Trash Talk

Yesterday's food:

God time? Yes
Meditation? Yes (x 2)

Exercise? No (weekend)

Points: 35 of 36

[P]  Chicken breast, grilled

[P] Beans (in rice and beans)

[V] Salad bar (in corn tortilla)

[V] Salad bar (in corn tortilla)

[V or F] Tomatoes

[F] Apple

[F] Banana

[St] Corn tortilla

[St] Corn tortilla
[St] Kashi

[D] Skim milk (1/2 c)

[D] Skim milk (1/2 c)
[D] Light mayo (1 T)
[D] Light mayo (1 T)

[Sn] Mini pretzels (1 bag)

[Sn] SF Klondike ice cream sandwich

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] Two cups

I'm struggling with my weight loss. Not so much with my food though. I've been on plan since my last (wee) gain of 1.2 pounds, which happened during a bout of insomnia a couple of weeks ago, along with subsequent eating and Internet shopping, and I've been at +/1 zero pounds for 2 weeks now. I'm quite discouraged, but I'm not going to give up because Weight Watchers is really helping me with my compulsive eating, and I don't want to go back there even if I don't lose any more weight than the 6 or so pounds I've lost in the past 3 months.

Most things usually come easily to me; I'm a quick learn. So when faced with struggle, I almost always start talking trash to myself, like "I might as well give up" and "I'm never going to lose this weight" or "I might as well just eat myself to death." Problem is, I quite like this program of eating :-) It's slowly seeping into my sense of "normal," but I don't understand why I'm not seeing weight loss when I think I'm doing everything right. One of the secretaries at my last meeting told me to keep a precise record of what I eat during the week (which I do anyway) and show it to my teacher at the next meeting. Maybe he can pinpoint where I'm getting off track.

One of the legacies of being an adult child of an alcoholic is that I tend to have global, all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking, especially when I'm stressed. I've been waking up feeling out of sorts for a few days now, which is not like me, but it's taken me a day or so to figure it out. That old "stinking thinking" took it's toll on me in how I self-talked after the Weight Watcher weigh-in on Saturday. Later that day, I vented to a good friend about some of what's been going on in my life. Then it dawned on me: I'm grieving the loss of therapy, and my therapist, from my life.  Therapeutic contact has been the single longest relationship in my life.

It seems silly to be grieving something I chose to leave, but here I am, in grief. Hence the feeling out of sorts. Now that I don't have therapy to fall back on, I'm going to have to reach out and share my process with friends more often and work harder to keep my feet on the ground and my head where my feet are. That means saying "no" to the temptation to isolate and making sure I support myself by getting to church, getting back to my to Al-Anon meeting (i.e., my current home group), getting back to consistent God time, and getting back to meditating twice a day.

Although my grief this time around is taking a different form than it usually does, as in feeling crabby, "reactional," and ungrounded rather than just crying a lot, I still have to treat myself "as if" with gentleness, concern, protection, and compassion rather than unawareness and judgment. Looks like all that therapeutic work I did sank in pretty well :-)

August 14, 2011: A Mixed Bag

Yesterday's food: Actually, it's Friday's food, the day I did an experiment within this larger experiment :-)

God time? No

Exercise? No

Points:40/36

[P] X

[P] X

[V] Polaner All-Fruit jam

[V] Apple

[V or F] Veggies on LC pizza

[F] Brussels sprouts

[F] V-8 juice

[St] Ezekiel English muffin (whole)

[St] Brown rice
[St] Lean Cuisine pizza

[D] Skim milk

[D] Skim milk
[D] Creamer
[D] WW mozzarella stick
[D] WW Mozzarella stick

[Sn] Newton Fruit Thin

[Sn] Newton Fruit Thin

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] Four cups

I decided spontaneously to test how well I could adhere to my Weight Watchers eating plan without tracking my points during the course of Friday.  I managed to do somewhat well, i.e., I only went 4 points over my 36-points-per-day allotment, but the categories were way off: I ate way too many dairy servings; I had one extra starch serving; and I had absolutely no protein at all during the day save for the protein in the Kashi and the mozzarella sticks! Kind of a mixed bag, like this post is going to be. So, it was an interesting experiment, but I'm far from flying solo, like my friend Zoe in England, who still manages to keep a trim figure long after she reached goal weight in Weight Watchers. She's my inspiration :-)

So, to mix up the bag, I don't think I ever told you all that I formally ended my therapy career earlier this month. Now mind you, I've been in therapy since my late teens, and I turned 50 last December. Yes, I really was that messed up. And to mess things up even more, I've acted out some old behavior (i.e., character defect) that hasn't reared up in quite a while. I won't go into the dreary details, but it's something I feel uncomfortable about, and I'm going to have to look at it carefully to discern what it's trying to tell me. I have a long history of sabotaging myself, especially when my life gets good: It's kind of like giving myself a speed bump to slow myself down from veering off into cocky-happiness-without-God. I wondered today if my therapy-leaving process was too fast. Not that it wasn't the right time to do it, but maybe I didn't take my time in doing it, if that makes sense. I'm not feeling desperate to go back, like I have in the past when I've thought about ending. I'll pray on it for a while and just wait for the Lord to direct me.

Until then, sleep well and have a good day tomorrow :-) Don't forget about the contest at my other blog: Fleurs-de-Lisa. I don't know how many crossover God/cosmetic fans I'll get here, but you never know, do ya? I've also posted all four of my guest reviews, so go check it out and enter!

August 12, 2011: Giving Myself a Break

Yesterday's food:

God time?  Yes

Exercise? No

Points: ?/36

[P] Chicken (in chow mein)

[P] McDonald's chicken strips

[V] Chow mein

[V] X

[V or F] Apple

[F] X

[F] X

[St] Breading (on chicken tenders)

[St] Kashi

[D] Skim milk

[D] Skim milk

[Sn] McD's ice cream cone

[Sn] X

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] Two cups 

Yesterday, I underwent an attempt at triple-root canal on my highly calcified teeth. The endodontist finished 1.5 of the teeth, and I have to go back next week to try to get the remaining teeth done. My endodontist surely must grimace when I come in for an appointment because that means a huge excavation is in store. He told me my teeth probably became calcified (I knew they were years ago) from repeated irritation from fillings, crowns, etc. I have really bad teeth, and most of them have filling or crowns. The hygienist at my dentist said I'm actually lucky to still have almost all of my natural teeth. Dang, I wonder what his other patients look like!

But I'm grateful to be at this point in my health status because it means I don't have to put off fixing my teeth because I'm wrapped up with cancer or a stroke or foot surgery, It means I'm relatively healthy (for someone with lupus). My poor tooth status goes back quite a few years and has kept getting worse as I've had to coped with other, more life-threatening issues. So, needless to say, I cut myself a huge break yesterday and didn't track my points. It was all I could do to find soft-enough food to eat! But I did write down my food above to the best of my recollection.

Anyway, enough of my teeth! I can't believe I can be so dense and also have graduated from an Ivy League school (UPenn). In yesterday's post, I was bemoaning the tedium of having to write down my food before I actually blog. Well, it finally dawned on me that I could at least set up the food-posting template ahead of time to make blogging easier. So, I have the template set up for all the remaining days of August, and all I have to do is plug the food in, blog, add a post title, and voila! A published post without much pain!

Last,I'm having a contest/giveaway at my beauty blog: http://fleurs-de-lisa.blogspot.com/. I don't know how many crossover God/cosmetic fans I'll get here, but you never know, do ya? I've also posted all four of my guest reviews, so go check it out and enter!

August 11, 2011: You Are Witnesses

Yesterday's food:

God time? Yes

Exercise?Yes (swam a half mile!)

Points: 35/36

[P] Turkey hot dogs (x 3)

[P] Swiss steak

[V] Brussels sprouts

[V] X

[V or F] Apple

[F] Pineapple

[F] X

[St] Kashi

[St] Sweet potatoes

[D] Skim milk

[D] Skim milk

[Sn] McDonald's ice cream cone

[Sn] Fudgesicles (x 2)

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] Three cups

I admit it. I've been cheating on you with my new makeup blog (http://fleurs-de-lisa.blogspot.com/) and others. The hardest thing for me to do is take the time to write out my food. I dread it. I write it down for myself, and then I write it down for the blog. It's a boring and tiresome task, and if there's some way I could let myself out of doing it, I would. However, I think keeping this blog, as well as its focus, may be one of the best things I've ever done for myself, so I'll keep on keepin' on. 

I've been reflecting over the past couple of days about how much and how well God has grown me up since I became a Christian and especially since I started this blog. I don't necessarily think that the "outward" signs of connecting with God (e.g., reading the Bible, keeping God time, etc.) have changed that much, but the inner connection and daily awareness of his presence has: I can see that by the "fruit" I'm producing as well as where I am spending my time and energy. I'm quite involved with the church now, even to the point where I'm helping with my pastor's visioning process, which involves children and youth, NOT an area where I would voluntarily choose to spend my resources. Yet, that's where God has led me, so I'm just walking behind Him and doing the best I can. Things are rolling, too, with the new Recovery Bible study group and the Al-Anon group. I've let go of being part of the prayer chain and am also thinking of not being a deacon next year, but I'm still praying on that :-) All in all, I thank God every day for my "normal," quiet life free of "exciting" trips in ambulances, excruciating pain, and surprise admissions to the hospital.

Thanks for being a witness to my growth!

July 30, 2011: Yep, I'm Still a Compulsive Eater

Yesterday's food:

God time? No

Exercise? Yes (swim)

Points: 30/36

[P] Hot dog

[P] Hot dog

[V] Brussels sprouts

[V] X

[V or F] Banana

[F] Blueberries

[F] Blueberries
[F] Raspberries

[St] Kashi

[St] Pizza (Lean Cuisine)

[D] Skim milk

[D] Skim milk

[Sn] Skinny Cow Dreamy Clusters

[Sn] Fudgesicles
[Sn] Fudgesicles
[Sn] Fudgesicles

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] One cup
Poundage lost: 7.4

Yep, I'm still a compulsive eater. I see it in how I handle the Fudgesicles. They're safe both for my diet and for my non-sugar intake, but I interact with them just like I interact with anything made of sugar: I eat it quickly, mindlessly, and compulsively. So, the behavior is still there; only the object is different. So far I'm OK with that, but it does disquiet the back of my mind to know that compulsive eating is still a part of my makeup. I guess I thought (apparently in some alternate universe) that I or God would be able to cure that part of me, although I know that as with any other addiction, compulsive eating can only be arrested. I wish I could fine it or give it a ticket, too, LOL :-) However, as long as I compulsively eat something safe that doesn't trigger me to eat more and more of it, like those dreamy crunchy Klondike bars do, or to eat other stuff that's bad for me, I can live with that.

I kind of coasted through the announcement yesterday that I started another blog: Fleurs-de-Lisa. I'm actually really excited about it, although my primary commitment still remains here :-) It will be hard to keep that balance, but this blog is more than half way done, so I think I can do both. Who knows? Maybe I'll keep going with this one, but I doubt it. I struggle with having fun in my life, so the beauty blog will give  me a huge dose of that. I haven't even really gone "live" yet, and I have 16 followers who believe in me enough, and who want to support me enough, that they've signed up "blind." Please, Lord, help me deliver a fun and informative beauty blog! I get to be shallow on-line! How fun is that? But, really, I shouldn't put myself down. It's a valid hobby, maybe even more so than hobbies where people just collect stuff but never use it.

BTW, I added a gluten-free recipe to my recipe tab: Rice Krispie-Coated Chicken Tenders :-) Hope you like them.

July 30, 2011: New Woot-y Things!

Thursday's food:

God time? No

Exercise?Yes (PT exercises)

Points: 36 of 36

[P] Pork

[P] Feta cheese (from salad)

[V] Large salad

[V] Large salad

[V or F] Blueberries

[F] Apple

[F] Blueberries

[St] Kashi

[St] Brown rice

[D] Feta cheese

[D] Yogurt

[D] Skim milk

[D] Skim milk

[Sn] Fudgesicles (x 2)

[Sn] Fudgesicles (x 2)

[Nightfood bar] Yes

[W] Four cups

Zipity-doo-dah! Yep, I'm totally corn-pone when I'm kookie happy. I'm really liking my life right now and am spending a lot of time thanking and praising the Lord for helping me turn my life around. I'm really excited about the two spiritual groups I'm starting at church: the recovery Bible study and the Al-Anon group. I'm super-psyched that I'm on a roll with physical exercise multiple times a week (swimming and physical therapy), often with my good friend Thea for company. I have so much work coming in that I'm thinking of hiring someone to help me. And I'm really happy that I now have a "safe" eating plan in Weight Watchers. It's like a food compass that I can always come back to when I get off track, and my Chew gets the best of me. Ive decided to start a beauty blog after all, which should be a lot of fun. My family relationships are good after being bad for such a long time (forgiveness and amends-making has worked wonders), and I am truly happy to be in my own skin at this time in my life, i..e, my 50s!

None of it would have come true without the help of God and Jesus and my willingness to do the "legwork." It dawned on me the other day that I consider God to be a Magic-8 Ball or a genie in a bottle. I pray and pray (and wish and wish) for my prayers to be answered, and then -- later -- I catch up to the fact that I have to put one foot in front of the other, often walking blindly, and step out in faith, trusting that my Higher Power is walking in front of me, opening the doors that I'm supposed to walk through!

What doors are you walking through right now? I'd love to know!

July 28, 2011: OMG! I'm Such a Slob!

Don't forget to enter the Nightfood 1-year supply giveaway! Only a few days left!

You may now whip me with a thousand wet noodles for not blogging in the past 11 days (give or take). I. am. such. a. slob. I've always been bad at letter-writing, and sometimes blogging feels like I'm writing one long letter that rarely gets answered. I KNOW you're out there (I check my stats every so often), so suck it up and write me a danged comment already! Heh-heh. Was that enough of a hissy fit for you? It would be a lot more interesting to blog if I knew somebody was reading (hint, hint).

No food today, but please know that I have been tracking my points, and I've sworn off the "cold, crunchy chocolate shell" of the Klondike bars, even if they are low in points. I found a substitute (sugar-free Fudgesicles) that are only 1 point each, so they have been my "guilty pleasure" for the past 11 days since I last wrote. They remind me, in an innocuous and safe way, that my inner Chew is ever ready to leap out and devour everything that isn't nailed down. However, the sugar-free Fudgesicles don't trigger my Chew like the Klondike bars did. I've also lost 1 pound of the 2.1 pounds I regained after July 4th. Hopefully my Weight Watchers weigh-in on Saturday will show more results because I've been swimming hard this week and not using the points :-)

OK, I'm going to let my superficial, pop-culture self out and say I'm going to close early so I can watch the start of this season's Project Runway, including a pre-show on the selection process and that I am going to start my own beauty blog (cosmetic beauty, that is) after all. I didn't think I wanted to write two blogs at the same time, but I've (pretty much) had a good time guest reviewing (only one annoying experience out of the bunch), so I'm going to give it a try :-) I'm thinking of naming it "Fleurs-de-Lisa." What do you think?

Don't forget to enter the Nightfood 1-year supply giveaway! Only a few days left!

July 17, 2011: Sabotage in Various Forms

Yesterday's food:

God time? Yes
Exercise? Yes (swam)
Points: 32 of 36
[P] Turkey hot dog 
[P] X 
[V] Brussels sprouts
[V] Mixed veggies
[V or F] Mixed veggies
[F] Apple
[F] Mixed fruit
[St ]Lean Cuisine "pizza"
[St] Kashi
[D] Skim milk
[D] Skim milk
[Sn] SF fudge pop (x 2)
[Sn] SF fudge pops (x 2)
[Sn] SF fudge pop (x 2) 
[Sn] *Skinny Cow turtles (1 pack) 
[Nightfood bar] Yes 
[W] Three cups

Don't forget to enter the Nightfood 1-year supply giveaway!

First, new rule: I'm not going to "bold" anything I ate unless it has sugar or flour in it (as usual) or unless I go over my points for the day (whereas before I had been limiting myself to a certain number of servings in each food category and "bolding" when I ate more in that category).

Second, I need to vent and then look at my own behavior that contributed to the problem. Today was my roommate's birthday. I had told her several weeks ago that today was National Ice Cream Day because she loooooves ice cream. We decided that when we went out today for lunch, we would eat ice cream and that we would work out a way to do it within our Weight Watchers plan (she's going to WW with me). To me, we were two girlfriends planning to do something fun with food and figuring out how to do it "on plan." We talked about our strategy for several days. I felt a sense of camaraderie with her.

So, we get to Ruby's diner, and we find out before we even order that they don't serve traditional (i.e., "hard") ice cream; it's soft-serve ice cream. My roommate prefers traditional ice cream, but she doesn't say anything. I order a salad and a Mud Slide shake to eat with my meal (I rarely eat dessert, and I never have it with my meal). My roommate orders her meal, and our mutual friend does the same.

We're nearing the end of lunch, and the waitress comes around to ask if we want anything else. I'm sipping my milkshake and nod my head "no," but I point across the table and say that my companions are having dessert. My roommate says, "no," she isn't having anything! I feel sabotaged and angry, and I turn it inward and proceed to drink the second half of my Mud Slide milkshake. We leave, drop our friend off at her car, and get home. I calculate the WW damage of the milkshake, which turns out to be 29 points!!!!! I feel set-up and sabotaged. I am extremely angry that she didn't tell me at the outset that she wasn't going to have any ice cream after all, and we argue. She leaves for the pool, and here's what I think of when I'm left alone to look at my piece of the "pie":

1. Granted, yes, she didn't tell me she wasn't going to have ice cream until I was well into my first glass of a very large milkshake.

2. At that point, I could have stopped to think of the one choice I can think of right now: I could have called the waitress back and asked her to take away the rest of the shake. But instead I felt so angry I polished off the second (and last) glass of shake.

3. In retrospect, I remembered that I was only going to order a small dish of ice cream, but I allowed myself to be seduced by the picture on the menu of the Mud Slide shake. I had been craving coffee (which I never drink) just a few moments before; the milkshake had coffee as an ingredient; and I went with it, and didn't think too much more about it.

4. When I got home I checked my blood sugar, which was 168 (I usually run between 90 and 120), so I got to see how eating sugar directly affects my blood sugar. An hour later it's 105.

At this point, I'm still trying to get the focus of my roommate's behavior and back onto myself so I can "own" my part in my self-sabotage. Yes, I do still feel that I was (unknowingly) sabotaged by her, but everything that happened after her announcement about all me and my stuff. The most important thing I can do for myself now is start my day over; eat on plan (I still have 6 points left); not sabotage myself further by beating myself up with more bad food choices; and chalk the day up a series of learning experiences.

If you're seeing anything that I'm not, would you let me know? Thanks for listening and helping :-)

Don't forget to enter the Nightfood 1-year supply giveaway!

July 16, 2011: Sowing and Reaping

Yesterday's food:

God time? Yes

Exercise?Yes (swam)

Points: 33 of 36

[P] Turkey hot dog

[P] X

[V] Brussels sprouts

[V] X

[V or F] X

[F] Cantaloupe

[F] Apple

[St]  Kashi

[St] Brown rice

[D] Skim milk

[D] Skim milk 
[D] WW Mozzarella stick
[D] WW Mozzarella stick

[Sn] Luna bar

[Sn] *Yogurt

[Nightfoodbar] Yes

[W] Two cups

Don't forget to enter the Nightfood 1-year supply giveaway!

I'm sorry I've been neglecting you. But it was for a good cause(s). First, I was assigned a new journal at work: Environmental Management. It's actually not new to me; I worked on it a number of years ago. However, it's come back to roost, and I'm fine with that. It's a very well-written journal with lots of pages, which means more money in my pocket at billing time. The manuscripts are very long: I just finished a total of 120 pages in the last three days. Considering I usually edit about 30 pages a day, you can see why I've been really busy with work.

On the spiritual side, I've also been planting and harvesting "seeds" for the recovery Bible study group and the new Al-Anon meeting. Everything is dropping into place, which tells me that these two projects I'm trying to get off the ground are God-powered, not Lisa-powered. All I had to do was open my mouth and share God's promptings with my pastor, and it's just blossomed from that one meeting I had with him! I love it when I'm in the middle of carrying out God's will for me.  Actually, I don't know that I've ever been conscious of doing that before, but it sure feels good!

Last night I spoke with a fellow who is in Narcotics Anonymous and who is interested in co-facilitating the recovery Bible study with me. He has about 3 years of experience in the program and is up to about his Fifth Step, and that sounds like a pretty good combination to me. We shared our stories with each other, and I think he was relived to find a church member who understood his "language" and 12-Step way of thinking. Considering that Al-Anon is mostly made up of women, it was interesting for me to connect with a man in a program way for a change. I have some male friends, but I don't see them that often, and sometimes I forget how nice it is to have some male energy in my life (aside from my boy cat, Buster, LOL).

So, things are chugging along quite nicely on my end. I forgot to tell you that I regained 2/2 pounds at my Weight Watchers weigh-in last week (darn Independence Day insomnia eating), but I lost a pound of that back when I weighed in today. Yay! What's new in your neck of the woods?

PS: I'm feeling much safer now that I'm off those crunchy Klondike bars. "Just don't but it!" is now my motto. If I don't bring it (read: any food that's not good for me) into the house, I'm not going to eat it.

Don't forget to enter the Nightfood 1-year supply giveaway!